Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Enough grease to float a battleship

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   The State Fair is here so it is time to round up some grandkids, herd them into the car, and do the annual assault on my arteries at what becomes for a brief period the lard center of the universe.

   Whether you go in through the North gate or the South gate you are standing at the entrance to what can accurately called the ‘cholesterol corridor’ or the ‘HCL highway’. The fair organizers call it the Food Court, others Fat City.

   Let us peek at the menu. There is the traditional corn dog, fried bologna, and fried hamburgers on a donut, fried pickles and for the vegetarians, fried vegetable tray, fried mushrooms, and fried sauerkraut balls. For desert there is fried Twinkies, various fried candy bars, and funnel cake sundaes. Then the show/heart stopper, fried butter. The kids had it all except they drew the line at the fried sauerkraut balls, which I found interesting.

   After the junk food feeding frenzy it was time to go and play the kid’s favorite State Fair game of ‘Who ever hurls first, wins’ on the rides. I have always prided myself on having a stomach like a leather bag, but that must not be an inheritable trait because this year’s winner was Jake only after the third go round on the Vomit Comet.

   After the rides, it was time to gather up my woozy, wobbling crew, go over to the barns, and scare the animals. This is the part of the fair that I enjoy the most. You can see the care and effort the owners put into their beasts. In addition, not at least a bit of pride they have in their charges.

   Even the kids let out some involuntary “oohs” and “ahs” when we came to the draught horses and we left behind a monster size hog with the best-scratched back and a contented smile. That was one happy oinker. I guess I should not have been surprised since their contact with animals is restricted to cats, dogs, and the occasional fish that are notoriously unresponsive.

   Next stop was the displays of jams, jellies, pies and all the other kitchen goodies. I admit that the kids were less than enthused. I have to agree since looking at jar of peach jam does not stir up the emotions as much say a stalk of well-grown celery.

   I often wonder why they do not have a competition for home brewed beer or moonshine. It takes skill to produce these wonderful beverages. Maybe it is a sexist thing. But, if they are ever allowed, I volunteer to be a judge.

   For the finale, it is over to the arts and crafts displays. This is part of the plan since I want the kids to be bored out of their skulls for the trip home and 30 or so paintings of magnolia blossoms has that effect.

   I recommend you police up some kids and go. Just remember, bring lots of cash, wear your sneakers, and bring along some industrial strength Lipitor.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

October 21, 2010 at 4:42 p10

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