Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Milk a carrot for that youthful look

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   I was going through my email and came across an advertisement for a skin lotion that contained ‘carrot cream’. This set me to thinking about how on obtains ‘carrot cream’.        

   Do you milk a carrot? To be honest with you, I cannot tell the difference between a boy carrot and a girl carrot. They all look like boy carrots to me. Maybe back at the carrot ranch they thin out the carrot herd and only send the boys to the produce aisle.

   So, this carrot ingredient thing peaked my curiosity. What other weird stuff is in cosmetics and food? Let’s start with something everybody probably uses, canola oil. That word is an acronym for Canadian Oil, Low Acid, so far, so what? Here’s the kicker. Canola oil can also be called rapeseed oil. With a name like that, you are going to have some serious marketing problems. You couldn’t give a barrel of the stuff away, hence the acronym.

   Than there is the exotic calendula oil. Great goo, so I’m told. However, it also can be called a bit more pedestrian marigold oil. Straight from your garden or hanging baskets to the cosmetic counter with a couple of $100 stops along the way.

   Ever hear of shea butter? It is enjoying some fame as the cosmetic de jour, which will make your skin look years younger, or so it is claimed. When it is replaced by the next miracle coming down the pike, it will go back to its original name of latex, that is to say, rubber tree sap.

   Jojoba oil is also up there amongst the oily heavy hitters. It is pronounced in Spanish, i.e. ho-ho-ba. That beats the daylights out of goat nut oil from which it is pressed. Would you care to rub yourself down with a big glob of goat nut grease? I’m sure the goat would not.

   But not all names are meant to be more appealing. The cosmetic industry uses horse oil. That’s right, when Dobbin is called home to that big paddock in the sky, his mortal remains may be processed into a youth enhancing night cream. “Just say whoa to wrinkles”.

   Then there is pine oil. All this time I thought that pine oil was what granny used when she was soogeeing down the kitchen floor. However, I would not suggest that you should rub that stuff on your face. It smells great on a freshly scrubbed floor, but it might tingle a bit after a close shave.

   Hemp oil might be of interest to those who are inclined to use personality-altering pharmaceuticals. I do not recommend it because there is no kick in it, smells awful, and will clog up your favorite bong.

   They make oils and creams from just about every thing; peas, corn, grape seed, broccoli, brussel sprouts, and the ever-popular ylang-ylang, whatever that is.

  So, I guess the carrot thing is not too bad. Bugs Bunny has been munching on them for 72 years and he still keeps ahead of Elmer Fudd.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

November 4, 2010 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Americana, Humor

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