Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Anything for a sale

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   Over the past few years, I have become something of a couch potato. Actually, it would be more like a bushel of potatoes. So with all that time hawking the tube I have come to notice some slight discrepancies in the statements made by some commercials.

   There is a chain of chicken restaurants who claim to have, “21 signature sauces”. Correct me if I am wrong, but I always thought we have only one signature. There are exceptions. My Uncle Seamus had quite a few more than one signature and he used them frequently resulting in him currently doing 10-12 making little ones out of big ones for the state.

   A tire company claims to have the first tires to do a, “1G turn”. Allow me to demonstrate a 1G turn. You are going to have to suit up for this. I usually go with the lederhosen, aloha shirt, and my pink bunny slippers. After you are suitably attired, I want you to stand next to your coffee table. Now carefully walk around it returning to the starting point. You have just done a 1G turn.

   Insurance companies have inundated the airways with claims of being cheaper than the next guy. Company X is $400 cheaper than Company Y who is $400 cheaper than Company Z who is $400 cheaper than Company X.

   This may be circular logic but the way I look at it one of these companies is going to have to pay me $650 to insure my car. That is not going to happen any time soon.

   An automobile manufacturer wants us to get all excited about taking a test drive on line. First off, if I were taking an on-line test drive I would not want to do it in something as mundane as a car. I want to test drive a hydroplane or a fighter jet, maybe a Starwar’s Y-fighter.

   How can you test drive a car sitting in an easy chair? When I test drive a car I want to see how fast it can go from zero to sixty, how it can handle a speed bump at 70 mph, and how tight of a donut it can cut. I’ve brought back car salesmen curled up in the fetal position crying like a ten-year-old girl after a test drive.

   What is with all of these pitch-persons and their British or Australian accents? Is it that supposed to create a feeling of trust? Since when is a limey or a wallaby hugger more trustworthy than someone with a flat Midwestern accent?

   And since we are in the accent area I wish they would get southerners to do southern accents. Nothing is worse then listening to a Brooklyn-born huckster try to make like an Alabama native, y’all hear?

   I guess in the end the commercial tricks are just to make a sale. So I will get in my Mini-Morris, speed around the corner to the chicken joint. I hope I don’t get in a wreck along the way.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

November 18, 2010 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Americana, Humor

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