Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Norman Rockwell wouldn’t paint us

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   Thanksgiving around here always seems to be a combination of a Three Stooges marathon and ‘feeding time at the zoo’. This is contrary to the universally desired Turkey day as portrayed in Norman Rockwell’s “Freedom from Want”.

   Put enough McGowans under one roof and the only portraits you will find are on the wall in your local Post Office.

   Personally, I have never been a big fan of turkey. You can buy it in any grocery store year-round so it lacks novelty. To me it is bland and the gravy usually supplies the only real flavor.

   I once suggested that instead of the gobbler we have something else that probably was found on the Pilgrim’s first Thanksgiving table. I was thinking of venison, or duck, or rabbit, or squirrel, or my personal favorite, stuffed skunk. I got no takers and an almost universal, “ewwww” from the younger McG’s.

   The only person who thought that it might not be a bad idea was my Uncle Seamus. Since game was off the menu because it was, “too gamey”. (Isn’t game supposed to be gamey?) He decided to take the bird and add a wild taste to it.

   He got a bottle of Wild Turkey, filled a poultry syringe, and injected a goodly amount into the bird. His thinking was that the liquid Turkey would game it up. He was not thinking about the possible detonation capacity that 101 proof whiskey would have.

   About an hour into the cooking process there came a boom normally associated with a broadside from the battleship USS New Jersey.

   When the smoke settled, we found the turkey embedded in the refrigerator door and Granny Franny Fenstermacher, who was the only person in the kitchen at the time, butt deep in the sink swearing enough to embarrass a stevedore, her hair straight up and smoking. I will not describe what she did to Seamus after we pulled her out, however when she went screaming through the door she used a colloquial term for the act of castration.

   This year we did the usual Turkey thing. The only difference is when you put half-starved McGowan kids around a table groaning with good things to eat you got a problem.

   During the time we were saying “Grace” all you heard was a soft growl/moan usually voiced by Bobcats coming from all the kids. Drooling seemed to be the thing to do. Saying “Amen” has the same effect on the kids as a starter’s pistol to sprinters at a 100-yard dash.

   These kids are unencumbered by table manners. To them mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce are finger foods. Trying to reach out for a serving bowl was tantamount to petting an alligator. You are quickly going to be in the market for a prosthesis. The only thing that went untouched was the silverware.

   After the kids had their full and were curled up on the floor licking their whiskers the adults, who still could eat after that exhibition, were allowed to eat which consisted of licking out bowls and nawing on bones.

   I can hardly wait for this year’s Christmas feast. © 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

November 25, 2010 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Americana, Humor

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