Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Of planes and Popes

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    The TSA (Motto: “If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first”) has been drawing a lot of flack lately. It seems that the full-body scan or pat down search has got the right to privacy types up in arms.

   There is a guy out in California who has even started to market scan-proof undies designed to protect the wearer from any x-rays that might damage the family jewels. You got to love those Californians however, titanium tightie-whities sound a bit uncomfortable. Fear not, I think I have come up with the perfect solution.

   I am announcing the formation of a new airline called ‘Naked Air’. It is simplicity in itself. When you go to baggage check-in you get a complimentary drink, when you reach the counter another freebie, this is where you strip on down to your birthday suit and put the clothes in you suitcase. Sorry, no carry-ons allowed.

   Next to the waiting area where there is an open bar. When the flight is called, you get another pop when you show your ticket. Boarding the plane earns you another blast and unlimited booze during the flight. (Finally, long waits for takeoff will be bareable.)

    Deplaning might be a bit tricky particularly if you have to cross the tarmac in northern states during the winter. Then it is on to baggage claim, suit-up and grab a cab. I do not recommend trying to rent a car.

   No more x-rays, no more body searches. A simple glance will tell if you are packing.

   The Pope has got himself a flap going. He told a German newspaper that he thought it might be OK for male prostitutes to use condoms in order to prevent the spread of AIDs.

   This contrary to a 1968 Papal Bull that outlawed all forms of birth control and, supposedly encourages homosexual behavior. Consequently, all hell broke loose in the College of Cardinals.

   Look, I am a victim of a parochial school education and even back then, these guys were out of the net. I can assure you that reality TV will never be shot at St. Bingo High.

   It was a point of honor among the boys to have that telltale, circular indentation in their wallets showing that they were prepared for the best. This includes the ugliest kid in the class, Furpo McGurk, who still probably has his. He might have been ugly, but he was certainly stupid.

   If you held a shakedown inspection, I am sure you would have enough latex to build a dirigible, and that from just the Freshmen class. You could probably construct a fleet if you got everybody.

    I cannot speak to what girls had, but I suspect they were secretly taking a pill a day and they were not vitamins.

   There may not be any tunnels in the Vatican, but there is certainly tunnel vision.

I recall the old retort that goes, “Those who don’t play the game don’t get to make the rules”.© 2010, Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

December 2, 2010 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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