Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A royal media circus

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   Scrub down the canvas and tune up the calliope we are about to go through a royal media circus. It seems that His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter is going to get hitched.

   “Billy the Fish”, that is his radio call sign in the Royal Air Force, announced his intentions to marry Kate Middleton. (The call sign does not exactly inspire confidence in flying abilities. Not like the movie “Top Gun” where the pilots were called, “Maverick”, “Cougar”, and “Wolfman” etc.)

   At any rate, Kate has gone under the media microscope and came out clean, so far. God forbid if someone discovers that she got a D- on a spelling test in the third grade. It will be off to the races for sure.

   Surprisingly, she is a ‘commoner’ coming from a family that includes laborers and miners. I guess the old prejudice against non-noble birth is gone. Either that or there was a bunch of hogettes in this year’s noble herd.

   Getting on the bandwagon early was rapper ‘Snoop Dogg’. He tried to get invited to HRH’s bachelor party and was turned down. I cannot imagine why. Nevertheless, showing his magnanimous disposition dedicated his latest rap song, “Wet” to the party.

   My sources in Great Britain tell me that when Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II heard the song she turned beet red and made a beeline for the nearest gin bottle. She supposedly took one long pull that finished nearly half of the bottle.

   When she came up for air she screamed that ancient command favored by many of her ancestors, “Off with his head!” Then she promptly took a wild kick at the nearest Welsh Corgi and missed, falling on her royal butt. They hauled her off to the royal chambers as she was whooping and hollering some very unqueenly phrases about rap artists. A pint of gin can do that to you, so I am told.

   Far be it for me to agree with any English monarch, but I am on her side with this one. I read the lyrics to “Wet” and Dogg at least needs to have his mouth washed out with soap. Not the gentle to the skin type, but the lye soap that grandma used to washboard granddad’s overalls. A treatment by the headsman’s axe might be a bit severe.

   So, it looks like Billy and Kate have got their career paths laid out for them. You know, the opening of parliament, ribbon cuttings, going to the big galas, wearing the metal hats, planning for the reconquest of the colonies, all that royal stuff that kings and queens do. Not a bad job and the pay and benefits are great.

   So here I sit. I check the mailbox three times a day looking for my invitation to the wedding. If they 86ed Snoop Dogg surely there must be room for me. I don’t even like rap music.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

December 9, 2010 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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