Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Drop that moonpie and put your hands in the air

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   The rule in journalism is that news is supposed to be balanced and fair. The exception is in columns and on the editorial page where the gloves can come off. Personally, I believe that the authors should sign editorials so that the reader can respond to the ideas expressed.

   This goes a long way to explaining why I get letters that sometimes contain references to, ‘hanging’, ‘horse-whipping’ or ‘restraining orders’.

   I have been around long enough to see a pattern depending upon whether there is a liberal or a conservative in the White House. When the conservatives are in power the liberals put up a squawk saying that, the conservatives are trying to destroy our way of life. When the liberals are in the Oval Office the conservatives say that the liberals are trying to destroy our way of life.

   Usually I try to steer clear of ‘labeling’. However, things have gone too far. Check this out from a recent AP release:

   “WASHINGTON — Don’t touch my brownies! Child nutrition bill on its way to President Barack Obama, and championed by the first lady, gives the government power to limit school bake sales and other fundraisers that health advocates say sometimes replace wholesome meals in the lunchroom.”

   This flies in the face of common sense. Let us say that we have a table containing a bowl full of desert cakes with more nutritional value in the wrapper then the cake and next to it a bowl full of wholesome, 100% organic apples. If given a choice what do you think kids would go for first?

   Based upon my experience with my kids and their friends there is no contest. In about five seconds there would be crème filling on the walls, an impromptu burping contest would be in progress, and we would be waiting around for Adam and Eve to take care of the apple overage.

   Then there are enforcement issues. Imagine if you will, what would happen if the bill becomes law and is tossed on the desk of the chief beaver at the Justice Department. The next sound you will hear is that poor sap softly pounding his head on his desk.

   Overnight, PTA members would have to go underground. There would be unsavory types hanging around schoolyards trying to lead our children astray by tempting the little grunions with such phrases as, “Hey kid, want to score some chocolate chip cookies?”

   Granny Fanny Fenstermacher would be doing 25-30 at license plate tech having been convicted of criminal fudge pandering. The Keebler Elves would end up on the Ten Most Wanted list and tunnels between Mexico and the US would be used to smuggle in S’mores. Hershey, Penn would soon become a ghost town.

   I guess there is an upside. The meth cookers and those who grow Carolina Skull Crusher would soon be in the confectioners’ racket making pineapple upside-down cake and growing fudge bars.

   But, home bakers, you better look out, the cupcake police are watching.© 2010, Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

December 23, 2010 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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