Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The State of the county address

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The Chairman of the Harmony County Council, Furpo McGurk, gave his annual State of the County Address recently. As usual, the sheriff took the normal precautions to insure that the podium was no closer than 300 yards to any tree suitable for hanging purposes.

This safety measure had more importance than usual since it was apparent that there would be some serious budget cuts announced and nobody in Harmony County was willing to have their ox gored.

The first cut was to Harmony County’s ETV. This is not to be confused with Educational TV, but is Eddie Torres Vision a special Spanish language program produced by Eddie and his 14 roommates out of their single wide in an undisclosed location.

No longer will our recently acquired neighbors from the south have quick access to Fernando the falsificador, or find employment with organizations that claim ignorance when it comes to reading documents particularly those whose ink is still wet.

Another Harmony County organization taking a hit is the Arts Commission. No more free ride for those who wish to visit the world famous Tattoo Museum and Emporium. This will come as a disappointment to the schoolchildren throughout the county who love to come in and play, “Which ink does Mommy have”.

Already cancelled is the popular, “Spray-paint, the Modern Media” course and the seniors are raising their walkers in a threatening manner over the elimination of the “Dentures, as an Art Form” exhibit one of their favorites.

The Harmony County Detention Center is facing cuts in its funding. Not that lobster was ever on the menu, but the sheriff is faced with a dilemma.  The bologna is already sliced thin enough to read through. The cooks are going to have to resurrect the peanut butter recipes. The new HCDC Diet.

There will be crowding in the hoosegow. But, the upside is we will have very tidy roads in the county since half of the boys will be out picking up trash while the other half is hot bunking back behind bars. However, things may come up short in the morning roll call. Midnight trash picking presents too many opportunities.

The Parole Board took a beating. So, it looks like the price of a parole is going up. Looks like the old revolving door will need oiling more frequently. The combination of an overcrowded jail and a Parole Board with a chip on its collective shoulder may lead to us seeing some of our friends and relatives sooner than originally scheduled. Much to the chagrin of convenience store clerks countywide.

So, in one address our boy Furpo has managed to tick-off; our new friends from across the Rio Grande, the artsy types, that is to say everyone in the county with a tattoo, their kids, the seniors, the sheriff’s department and their semi-permanent houseguests. That is to say just about everyone in the county.

Maybe 300 yards might not be enough. But who knows how the rest of the council will act?© 2011, Harmony County

 

 

 

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Written by harmonycounty

January 27, 2011 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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