Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Best kept off the record

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This was a recent AP release; “Can your iPad or iPhone bring you closer to God? A new application for the devices aims to help Roman Catholics who haven’t been to the confessional booth in a while keep track of their sins, one Commandment at a time.”

Well, isn’t that just peach-keen? Now you can tote around a semi-permanent, hackable history of your sins that can be read by anyone, and it is categorized, in order, by that seemingly endless list of commandments.

On the surface, this may seem like a good idea. You go into the confessional, look at your electronic device of choice, read down the list, and standby for your penance. In this case, the penance could consist of going on the Vatican website and playing the, “Roman Death March” video game. This beats the hell out of Father O’Toole’s favorite, “Go home, and tell your father to horsewhip you”.

However, this overlooks a very important part of being a Catholic. As a victim of a parochial school education, I can assure you that the one thing that you have deeply engraved upon your psyche is guilt. For a Catholic, when it comes to sin, there is no such thing as grey. There is no such thing as white, it is all black. (E.g., please forgive me; Hurricane Katrina was my entire fault.)

The idea of having a record of your transgressions in a format that is easily accessible by nearly everybody does not make much sense. Say you are in the habit of snitching office supplies from work. You know pens, paper, the commode from the third floor ladies’ room manages to get rerouted to your home.

I believe that is against the one that reads, “Thou shall not steal”. Which is number 37 or there about. Now you are on record.  If one of your coworkers gets their hands on it you are in a world of hurt because you are about to be on the receiving end of another Commandment that reads something along the lines of, “Thou shall not shakedown thy fellow workers”. Worse yet, what if your recorded no-no’s gets on Facebook? That is a career ender for sure.

Care to end life as you know it? Let leak that you busted the one that refers to, “coveting thy neighbor’s wife” and the need for an emergency room and a member of the clergy may be immediate. Does the name Lorena Bobbitt ring any bells?

There is another potential for disaster in your electronic catalogue of evils. In my married life my spouse occupied the position of Official Chronicler of Jim’s Sins. For a woman who could not remember to fill up her car’s gas tank, she was stunning when it came to my errors. Come on, can anyone remember what happened at the Fourth of July, ’83 party?

So, if you are the contender for the world’s record for outdoor, unlimited weight class, freestyle sinning this is not the application for you.© 2011, Harmony County



Written by harmonycounty

February 18, 2011 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Humor

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