Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Woodsman spare that tree

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A terrible thing as happened at my alma mater, Auburn. Harvey Almorn Updyke Jr., 62 of Dadeville, Al. was accused and arrested for poisoning the two 130-year-old oak trees that are on Toomer’s Corner in front of the university. Of course, Updyke was identified as an Alabama fan.

The importance of these trees cannot be overstated. They are the ones that have been traditionally festooned with toilet paper after every Auburn football win. The amount of tp is amazing. Many people who are in the know do not bet on the game. They buy toilet paper futures instead. These folks can really clean up.

On a historic note, before the introduction of toilet paper in Auburn, in the early 1950’s, the leaves of these trees were used to perform the same function. Consequently, some long-standing alumni still walk a bit funny when they pass by on their way to the game. Hence, the famous, “Auburn Walk” before each game.

There has been a good deal of comment upon this most heinous act in the media. But, one of the most strident has been from Clay Travis, a writer on the “Fanhouse” sports blog. Not only does he lace into the Auburn-Alabama rivalry, but he cheap shots all SEC fans. Obviously this guy is a ‘yankee’ with no understanding of what rivalry means.

Travis compares the rivalry to the war in the Middle East and recommends that Obama withdraw troops from Iraq to keep a lid on any possible civil war that may breakout. Travis is also thankful that neither school has nuclear weapons.

Mr. Travis needs to know a few facts. The state of Alabama is divided into two parts, Auburn fans, and Alabama fans. It does not matter if you are a graduate of Harvard or East Cupcake Teacher’s Tech; you are one or the other.

The Iron Bowl, in many cases, decides who is the SEC western division champ, the SEC champ, and the state champs. No other state can compare.

We like the rivalry and we can take it. One of my favorite jokes concerns Auburn status as a ‘cow-college’. “What do you get if you cross an Auburn grad and a gorilla? A hairy extension agent”. I cannot count on how many times I have heard that from Alabama fans.

However, Travis has gone too far. In order to calm down emotions in Alabama he recommends that the Iron Bowl be cancelled for a year. Mr. Travis if you want a real riot on your hands, just try.

There will violence in the streets and it will be led by sport’s network executives and disgruntled advertisers. So, Clay, I would cancel any plans to visit Alabama. Updyke may have done a number on Auburn’s trees, but cancelling the Iron Bowl is unforgiveable by both sides.

Getting back to Mr.Updyke. If convicted of this arborcide the Auburn fans have nothing to worry about. Even if the trees are dead they will still be useable for a hanging.© 2011, Harmony County

 

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Written by harmonycounty

February 24, 2011 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana, Humor

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