Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Things that guys never talk about

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You have all read, or at least I hope you have, about my relationship with the Veterans Administration medical services.

I have railed on about the admin weenies and the way things happen with the speed of a glacier. In many ways that might be considered a cheap shot. If the truth were told, most people that work on the administrative side are honestly trying to do a good job.

They are, in many cases, simply snowed in by a workload that makes Sisyphus pushing his rock up the hill look like three-year-old playing with a beach ball.

For the medics, on the other hand, I have nothing but praise. They are quite literally lifesavers for us busted-up, old GIs. (Unfortunately, nowadays the GIs are getting younger as a result of the wars in the Middle East.) However, I do have one complaint about certain of these caregivers.

There is a small group of folks, mostly nurtz’s and therapists of various persuasions who are under the impression that once a persons reaches a certain age he automatically becomes a deaf as a post and his IQ is roughly equal to his hat size.

To compensate for this supposed condition they have a tendency to talk in a very loud voice using terms a 1st grader would find demeaning. Allow me to illustrate by giving you an example of what has recently happened to me.

I had gone for a routine physical and was doing OK. I got the usual weight loss/exercise, depression, hearing voices lectures and was finally asked, “DO YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT”?

I was reluctant to discuss my little personal problem with a lady person of the opposite sex and gender, but I mustered up the nerve and said, “I seem to be experiencing E.D.”

“YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOUR WEE-WEE WON’T WORK”? After that statement, you could hear the guys in the waiting room guffawing, they were 50 feet away through closed doors.

“HOW OFTEN DO YOU TRY EACH WEEK”? I quietly responded and she added, “THAT IS QUITE A LOT FOR A MAN OF YOUR AGE”. That was all I needed to hear.

In the movie “Pocket Full of Miracles” The character ‘Joy Boy’ played by Peter Falk said to Hope Lange after she had given him a bad time, “If you wasn’t a broad I’d kick you right in the stomach”. This is exactly how I felt.

Meanwhile as my personal life was being discussed with the volume set on 10 the boys up front were nearly rolling on the floor laughing.

I never blush. However, by the time the interview was over my face was as red as a fox’s ass at chokecherry time. The best part was about to come because I had to go past the eves droppers to get out.

I got a collection of smirks, finger points and obscene gestures as a crawled by.

I guess that GIs never change no matter what age.© 2011, Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

April 21, 2011 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor

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