Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

“Me Mudder”

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We all have mothers, or so I am told. So, on this most sappy of Holidays, and the busiest day in the restaurant business, I thought about telling you about dear old Alice Katherine McGowan, lovingly referred to as ‘Alcha’. (I named a Rottweiler after her.)

We all speak affectionately of ‘Mom’s home cooking’. To Alcha a half dozen hard-boiled eggs would represent a six-course dinner, and just as difficult to prepare. Boiled turkey was her piece de resistance. Just imagine an obscene white blob bobbing up and down in a huge pot of boiling water. “Just like mom used to make” is not a compliment.

Other hand, there were two things that she could make with unerring skill. The first was reservations and the second was a Long Island Iced Tea. Just one was enough to give a gorilla a buzz. The second and you would be using the brass rail for a pillow. She can easily do three, but she usually is the last one standing in the room.

Mom does have an artistic bent. To this day, she is much in demand for her drawings, mostly of the USMC Eagle Globe and Anchor and the Master Parachutist Badge. Come payday there is a line outside her tattoo pallor that extends around the block. She picked up this skill while doing a 2-5 for tax evasion in a Federal joint. Next time you see Martha Stewart ask her to show you her rose.

Mom and I still get together regularly. I pick her up and take her to see her parole officer. Then we go to lunch, have a cocktail or six, shoot some pool, and hash over old times. I have to keep an eye on her she cheats.

Here is a bit of doggerel appropriate to the day called “Me Mudder”:
“When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me butt was red?
Me Mudder
“Who took me from me cozy cot
and put me on an ice-cold pot
and made me pee pee if I could not?
Me Mudder
“And when the morning light would come
and in me crib me dribble some
who wipe me tiny widdle bum?
Me Mudder
“Who would me hair so neatly part
and hug me gently to her heart
and sometimes squeeze me till me f***?
Me Mudder
“Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
and nearly had a king size fit
when in me Sunday pants me chit?
Me Mudder
“When at night the bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
who yelled at me to go to sleep?
Me Fadder”

-Anonymous

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Written by harmonycounty

May 5, 2011 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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