Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

There goes the neighborhood

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It had been a tough week in hell. Twice the numbers of politicians, journalists, and mimes had showed up. Hell was getting crowded and Satan yearned for the old days when he had a better clientele of pirates, gangsters, and cutthroats.

Satan was sitting in the sun room trying to unwind with a glass of milk and one of Mrs. Satan’s brownies, the special ones with walnuts and raisins when the phone came flying off the wall.

“We got a problem, boss”, said his assistant.

“What now, Hitler acting up again?”

“Worse than that. Osama bin Laden just showed up at the main gate”.

“Oh brother, there goes the neighborhood”, sighed Big Red.

In addition to admitting someone who is going to be less popular than a few of the more notorious residents such as the aforementioned Adolf, Stalin, and Attila, to name a few, there is a problem with placement.

In Dante’s Circles of Hell OBL qualifies for Circle 5 for wrath; Circle 6 for heresy; Circle 7 for murder; Circle 8 for hypocrisy; and Circle 9 for treachery. It was also a lead pipe cinch that anywhere OBL ended up he was sure to have a riot on his hands with the current residents and absolutely no coal was going to be shoveled. They would be too busy wearing out the shovels on the new guy.

If there was ever an admittance policy in hell, it just went out the window. The expression, “Hell wouldn’t hold him”, just became true for all the wrong reasons. Satan knew that he probably had no choice but to dig a new, lower Circle 10 that would only have one permanent guest.

There was only one way to handle the situation and that was to do it in person. So mustering up all his resolve, he went to the main gate. When he got there, he was shocked at what he saw.

There stood the man of the hour. Part of his head was missing, he was soaking wet and he seemed to have a piece of bacon stuffed in each ear.

“You look like hell,” said Satan, “Who did that to you”?

“US Navy SEALS”, was the angered, muttered reply.

“Yeah, that looks like their work. They have been throwing us a lot of business lately”.

Admittedly, OBL was having the worst day of his life. However, to pop-off at the person who is going to be your jailor for the rest of eternity is not a good idea no matter how angry you are. Nevertheless, the bearded wonder lit into him.

“Hey you with the horns, are you in charge? I want a six bedroom, four-bath mansion with a view of a stream that runs with milk and honey and I want my 72 virgins. And I want it now”!

At this outburst, Satan turned to his assistant and whispered, “Toss this S.O.B. in the deepest, hottest, manure encrusted pit with 72 vegans and make sure they are all guys.”© 2011, Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

May 12, 2011 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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