Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

One hump or two?

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Our friends in Australia seem to be facing a bit of an environmental problem. Reports state that, camels, introduced to ‘down under’ in the 1840’s, have gotten loose over the years and there are now between 1.2 and 1.4 million of the critters running wild in the outback.

The threat that they pose is not as one would normally suppose, but the methane that they release through, “belching”. Their words not mine. According to the report prepared by a group of cattlemen and sheepherders associations, six camels annually burp out an equivalent of methane gas as one automobile.

The environmentally conscience drovers want the government to offer a bounty for each camel killed in a “humane” manner and to sell off the lack of methane produced as carbon credits. Conspicuous in its absence is any mention of how many acres would be free for cows and sheep once the land was decamelated.

I am not familiar with the inner workings of camels. There were no ‘Camel Anatomy 101’ courses offered at Auburn. The only camel I know is one named ‘Moses’, if I recall correctly. He is owned by a local family, appears at events and parades, and is a big hit in living Nativity scenes at churches hereabouts.

The kids love him and he takes them for rides and lets them pet him and have their picture taken with him. All in all a nice camel as camels go.

He has one glaring fault. He has a huge addiction to Mountain Dew soda that he drinks straight out of the bottle. It is something to see him pounding back a liter bottle of soda at one pull. Anyway I have never seen, nor heard him burp even after gulping down the bubbly MD.

So how does one measure the methane content of a camel belch? How many times a day does a camel burp? I cannot see someone from the Australian Department of Fish and Game following a camel around with a gas meter.

At the risk of being indelicate is that the right end of the camel? It seems to me that the south end of a northbound camel is where the biggest concentration of methane will be found. Not a job I would envy. It sounds like a task for some poor, suffering graduate student who seriously ticked off his professor. “No, No Prof! Please not camel duty”.

So what do we have? We have a civilian organization that wants the taxpayer to pick up the bill on a project that they have, ostensibly, come up with the numbers in order to save the environment and do good for all humankind by eliminating part of that environment.

This, without mentioning that there will be benefits for one specific group who just happen to be sponsoring the bill. Guess who lives closest to the noisome camels with rifles? Let’s see, a cash bonus and more land for my herd/flock.

Something for nothing and the taxpayer picks up the bill. Sound familiar?

Where are the PETA weenies when you need them?© 2011, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

June 23, 2011 at 4:42 p06

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