Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

It’s kind of spooky

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   Since the heat has been breaking the triple digit marks I have been pretty much confined to quarters. This leaves me at the mercy of daytime TV something I would never wish on my worst enemy.

   Even the late Osama ‘Fish Food’ bin Laden was reduced to watching porn. One can only imagine what Pakistani daytime TV is like. The soaps must be something else, boy meets goat, boy looses goat, boy shoots neighbor over goat theft, boy serves roasted goat with a side of couscous.

   I have never seen a soap opera in my life. I was exposed to them at a very early age when my mother used to listen to them on the radio in the pre-TV days, when dinosaurs roamed the earth. The very first word I learned to spell was A-N-A-C-I-N from a commercial on some tearjerker concerning, “Can a girl from a small mining town inPennsylvaniafind happiness in the big city”. I could not have been older than three. Amazing how some things stick with you.

   The biggest problem with daytime TV, I believe, is the repetition. Just how many times can you see a show on ancientEgypt? They may be different shows, but they have the same things. If you have seen one pyramid, you have seen them all. I am impressed with the logistics of getting all that stone to one place and feeding the poor slobs that had to move it around, but after that, it still is not much more than a big pile of rocks.

   Sorry to say that one 3-4,000 year-old dried-up dead guy is pretty much like another. I cannot tell the difference between one Pharaoh and any other. A wrapped up pussycat is another thing that cannot keep my attention for long. If they said that there was enough tape on Fluffy-hotep to keep the Pittsburg Steelers in bandages for three games I might be more attentive.

   There has to be six or seven shows that are about ghosts. If you recall I am not opposed to the idea of the existence of ghosts. Good oldMurrayfromSavannahand I shared an apartment for three years. However, there are some questions I have about ghosts in general.

   Why do ghosts have to haunt abandoned prisons, or hospitals, or mental institutions? If I were a ghost, I would want to haunt a five-star hotel inSouthBeachorHawaii. I want my sheets changed daily and they had better be the 500-thread count or better variety. Maybe get a little travel in. How does the Riviera or Acapulco sound?

   All of these ghost hunts are at night. That seems a little odd. Are there no ghosts on the day shift? What kind of a union do these specters have? If I was on the job for a couple of hundred years, I think I would be entitled to the 8-5 day shift.

   So be careful, day time TV might bore you to death.© 2011 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

July 28, 2011 at 4:42 p07

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