Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

“I’m all shook up”

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   As you have read I occasionally take a cheap shot at our favorite ‘dudes’ and ‘dudettes’ who provide us with a sense of wonder and a constant source of humor that live in California. I am sure that our recent earthquake that registered 5.8 on the Richter Scale would not even knock the ash off the ‘medicinal’ joint they were smoking.

   Then again, a bong full of California Skull Crusher would probably inhibit anyone’s senses such that they would not feel much of anything including; nuclear detonations, cattle stampedes, or Obama speeches.

   However, here on the East Coast folks are not as blasé to such, “…whole lota shakin’ goin’ on”. Admittedly, 5.8 is small potatoes. After wolfing down a couple of double bean burritos with extra hot sauce and a pint of beer, I produced a rumble that scaled a respectable 6.5 and cleared the room. I was at an Atlanta Hawks basketball game at the time.

   Things got a little crazy at the National Zoo inWashingtonD.C.An AP report stated,

“Red-ruffed lemurs sounded an alarm, apes left their food, flamingos rushed into a huddle, and a gorilla shrieked – all before the quake hit.

   “Just before the ground started to shake, Iris, an orangutan, began ‘belch vocalizing’ (polite talk for loud burping ala fraternity kegger), an unhappy/upset noise normally reserved for extreme irritation. Mandara, a gorilla, ‘let out a shriek and collected her baby.’ A flock of 64 flamingos ‘rushed around and grouped themselves together’.”

   I should have been a bit more aware of the situation because my cat, Lazy Jake, yawned and stretched before he rolled over. That is a sure sign of abject terror on his part. What can you expect from a beast whose whole life exists between his food bowl, litter box and the couch? Now that I think about it, he shares that type of lifestyle with some of my relatives.

   In a nearby zoo, sometimes called CNN, things were a bit different. According to an unnamed source, my favorite newshound, Wolf  ‘Who needs facts’ Blitzer reportedly went running from his office screaming, “Mommieeeee! Mommieeeee!” when the quake started.

   However, he quickly recovered and said he originally thought that it was, “construction noise” when the first rumblings were heard. Well, I know that drywall installers wear masks and goggles, but they have never been very terrifying to me. At least until they hand you the bill.

   The East Coast experienced its biggest earthquake in 44, 67, and 100 years depending upon which source you read or see on the TV. As far as I can tell, the biggest damage was that two chimneys fell over. In Savannah that is about a slow week’s work without the benefit of an earthquake.Savannah birds are very meticulous about where they land.

   So, if you were in the zone and you popped the top of a cold one you may end up spending the weekend repainting your kitchen ceiling. But what the hey, it needed it anyway.© 2011, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

September 1, 2011 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Americana, Humor

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