Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus

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   (Editor’s Note: Jim’s column will be taken over this week by his Uncle Seamus Magauran. Jim is recovering from a nervous breakdown brought on by watching the past three Auburn games.)

   Q. My daughter, Phumelela, has a bad habit. She is constantly picking her nose. How can I get her to stop? Sticky Fingers – Charleston

   A. Dear SF; Admittedly, examining the contents of one’s nose is a source of constant wonder and enjoyment there are some drawbacks. Most notably is how can one do so in public without drawing attention and once one has determined that the lump was once a misguided bumblebee, what should one do with the residue found on the third knuckle? I suggest that you get her a set of lockable boxing gloves, perhaps in a delicate pink.

   Q. My grandparents, both well into their 80’s, have developed some peculiar desires. Pappy wants to become a ‘Chip n’ Dale’ dancer and Nana wants a tattoo that says, “The Third Regiment, Sixth Marines was here”. I will not tell you where. What should I do? They’re Making Me Crazy – Apalachicola

   A. Dear TMMC; According to a popular saying, “The 60’s are the new 30’s and the 70’s are the new 40’s”. This is contrary to common sense since many in their 80’s require bibs and diapers putting them further down the age scale. I suggest you let Pappy live his dream. How long can an 80+ year-old hip take the strain? As far as Nana is concerned get her the tattoo but in henna. By the time it wears off, she will have forgotten. Just be thankful that the desires are not reversed, Nana as a dancer and Pappy with the tattoo.

   Q. My daughter has a new boyfriend named ________. She says that he is one of the best cooks she has ever known. I do not want to seem as if I am interfering with their relationship, but I would like to buy him a gift. I was thinking of a cookbook. Thoughtful Mom – Gaston

   A. Dear TM; After doing a quick review of the crime pages of this publication I suggest that you purchase the cookbook entitled, “200 Things to Do with a Bologna Sandwich”, by #398224, Georgia Department of Corrections. It appears that _______’s ‘specialte du maison’ is ‘meth’. By the way, have you noticed any changes in your daughter? Is she able to vacuum the entire house in less than 35 seconds at three AM? Perhaps when she says, “I’m going to run to the store”, she returns in ten minutes later, loaded down, without taking the car and you live five miles outside of town.

   Q. Where is the $100 that you owe me from the last Auburn game? Vito and Antnee will be happy to stop by and pick it up. Fast Eddie – Location Undisclosed

   A. Dear Fast Eddie; No need to disturb the knuckle draggers, I will be happy to drop it off next Tuesday.


Written by harmonycounty

September 22, 2011 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Americana, Humor, Sports

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