Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Thanksgiving around our place

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    Thanksgiving has always been a favorite holiday of mine. However, unlike the Norman Rockwell painting, “Freedom from Want” in our family things a bit different.

   In the painting Grandma and Grandpa are lugging in a turkey which I swear is actually a roasted ostrich. The eagerly anticipating family is spread around the dining room table all with smiling faces. (The fellow looking back in the lower right-hand corner isNorman.)

   IfNormanwas doing a painting of my family, there would be no sharp or pointed objects on the table and there would be a metal detector in the background. Instead of “Freedom from Want”, the painting would be entitled “Presence of Ornery” and Norman and the ostrich both would be wearing a helmet.

   The grandparents would not be carrying the bird so much as holding it at arms length. Much the same as one would throw raw meat to a pack of starving wolves. The family members would be snarling. If you could stuff a turkey with Prozac this would be the place for it.

   One has to remember that the younger generation has not eaten since breakfast. So by 3 PM even Poochie Dooley the dog and Lazy Jake the cat have made themselves scarce. They can sense hungry carnivores and they do not want to be near them and have to fight it out protecting their chow bowls.

   The table manners displayed would make ‘Miss Manners’ faint. The only admonition that is vaguely followed is ‘not to get anything on the walls’. Some examples are that mashed potatoes are treated as a finger food and fork wounds are not uncommon.

   Another peculiarity of our family is to have so many McGowan’s in the same place without the supervision of law enforcement officers. If you think the wedding scene from ‘The Godfather’ was a piece of fiction you have never been to one of our gatherings.

    This Thanksgiving we were invited to a neighborhood gathering at Granny Fannie Feinstermacher’s. It was not well organized in that it was supposed to be a covered dish affair, but no one was told what to bring. With everyone thinking alike the result was that we made the largest deposit of ‘mac and cheese’ in the free world.

   When I entered the house I could detect the aroma of roasting meat, but I could not quite identify it. I asked Granny Fannie when the turkey would be ready. She replied, “Turkey? What turkey?”

   “Well, what are we having?” I said.

   “Eagle, of course”. Granny occasionally gets confused over the National Bird.

   “What did you stuff it with?” I asked.

   “Stuff it? I didn’t stuff it. It wasn’t hollow”.

   This was the point where I started thinking, ‘Maybe those vegans have got something right’.

   I hope your Thanksgiving was an enjoyable one, but there is a downside. We are about to be inundated with advertisements and bad Christmas movies. So, hang in and try to keep the idea behind the season in mind.© 2011,HarmonyCounty

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Written by harmonycounty

November 23, 2011 at 4:42 p11

Posted in Americana, Humor

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