Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

On Dancer, on Prancer, on Larry, Moe and Curly

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   With the Christmas season comes Christmas chores. Sending Christmas cards, trimming the tree, are just a couple of them. With my natural aversion to chores of any nature, I try to cut a few corners.

   The Christmas cards present their own unique challenges. The computer solved part of the problem. The address list makes it easy to print out the envelopes. A quick note on the card, stuff, stuff, stuff, a stamp and one is almost ready. Now comes the hard part.

   I have always had a problem with ‘dry mouth’; consequently licking an envelope has always been a problem. I have since discovered a moistener. Jack Daniels makes an excellent product that solves that problem.

   So it is sip, lick; sip, lick; sip, lick; etc. After a while, this gets a little boring so I see if Poochie Dooley the dog wants to join in. That was not my best idea as I get the sip and Poochie gets the lick. Three envelopes into the game and Poochie’s tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth. He gives me the ‘stink-eye’ and wanders off.

   Lazy Jake the cat can see what is coming and he immediately goes A.W.O.L. At this point, it is naptime for me. Picking out a soft spot on the floor, I figure I will get the kid next door to finish the job. He drools like a Bloodhound anyway.

   The tree is another issue. I have always had a fresh tree and I cut it myself. I have had my eye on one for a while and I went to fetch it. I was just about to start when things went terribly wrong.

   At the exact instant I was going to start sawing, Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher turned on her porch light, took one look, and set her dogs on me. You might think that four Chihuahuas could not do much damage, but think again. They had me up that tree in a flash.

   It is a little known fact that the ancient Aztecs raised theChihuahuaas a sacrifice to their gods. (This was usually followed by a supper with an unusual item on the menu. Aztec Church Ladies were a stouthearted group.) Any way, I was not up that tree for five seconds when I got that old time religion.

   All the ruckus roused the neighbors and they gathered around to see what the fuss was about. Seeing the saw, the dogs, and me in the tree got them to comparing notes concerning their trees that had gone missing in the past.

   What followed next was an accurate re-enactment of an ‘angry villager’ scene from any “Frankenstein” movie of your choice. You would think that I would have difficulty clearing an eight-foot privacy fence, particularly with four mutts  firmly attached to my butt however, you are wrong. An Olympic jumper should do as well and they are not nearly as inspired as I was.

   Looks like I am just going to have to make due without.© 2011, Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

December 15, 2011 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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