Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The immigrant invasion

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   It is the clear responsibility of the Federal Government to enforce the laws concerning illegal immigration. It is equally clear that they have failed to do so in order to gain votes from a certain sector of our population.

   Since the Feds have failed, it falls to the States to do what little they can to protect themselves. Consequently, the President and the Congress have loosed their legal beagles against the states to insure that future votes are cast in their favor. In reality, they are inviting foreigners to break our laws.

   I am compelled to vigorously protest the current situation and add my voice in vain hopes that this flood can be stemmed and, perhaps, reversed. Something must be done about the uncontrolled entrance of these dreaded, ‘snow-bunnies’.

   The Canadians are everywhere!

   Just the other day I was standing in line to buy a movie ticket and there were two of them there. They were trying to blend in, but it is impossible to look inconspicuous wearing snowshoes.

   They have invaded our schools insisting upon having classes taught in ‘Canadian’. Now our kids come home and instead of saying, “about” they say, “aboot” and “oot” instead of “out”. They are even ending every other sentence with, “eh?”

   Even our sports are taking a beating. One can hardly go past a pond without seeing a bunch of ‘Canuks’ down on their ‘luk’ trying to play hockey. However, since our ponds seldom freeze over there is a bunch of guys, waist deep hitting the water with sticks. Moreover, it is hard to do a flutter kick while wearing hockey skates.

   Our health system is being stressed, also. When the temperature goes above 80 degrees, the emergency room is crammed with Canadians suffering from heat related injuries all expecting free treatment like they get back home.

   In addition, nothing is as scary as going to a convenience store to get a bag of ice in July and opening the freezer and find a Canadian family of six staring back at you from the depths of the cooler.

   They are even in our most hallowed American institution, Wal-Mart, going up and down the aisle in cross-country skis getting all tangled up in their shopping buggies.

   They are also tearing up our roads. The damage that is done by a snowmobile has to be repaired and that is done by taxpayer’s money. Then there is cost to clean up all the Molson’s cans strewn about the countryside not to mention the discarded paper wrappings from their beaver sandwiches.

   Canadian crime is on the upswing. The smuggling of maple syrup has reached epidemic proportions and one can only guess what they are pouring on their morning waffles.

   So, I support the provisions of the law that allows police to pull over suspected Canadians. They are easy to spot. They drive late model cars, usually at slightly less then the speed limits and seem to be minding their own business, but they are wearing mittens.

   Anybody know where I can score some hot maple syrup? © 2012,  Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

January 5, 2012 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor

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