Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

They are all dripping wet

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   “Newt Gingrich puts mayonnaise on his grits”, is a claim allegedly made by ‘Mittens’ Romney. The Salamander Man responded in kind by supposedly stating that, “Romney doesn’t change his socks for weeks on end”.

   Mayonnaise, really? The mere thought of such a travesty induces a gag reflex. Newt is from Georgia where putting such goop on grits is a Class II Felony punishable by three years imprisonment being fed nothing but Cream of Wheat.

   Moreover, who can’t admit that they haven’t, for the odd week or two, gone forgetfully not changing their socks? (An old sock-changing joke: The Sergeant comes up to his squad who has been in the field for a month and tells the men. “We are going to change socks today” A faint, sarcastic “Yea” comes from the troops. He goes on, “Johnson you change with Billings, O’Neal you change with Jennings…”)

   “Mitt Romney picks his nose up to his third knuckle.” This statement was attributed to the Gingrich people by a highly placed unnamed source. Let us consider the anatomy of this remark. Either Romney has very short fingers or his snot locker is comparable to theMammothCaves.

   “Newt Gingrich cheats at golf.” Well, who doesn’t? Golf scores, fish stories and such literature as, “The Wizard of Oz” all go under the heading of pure fantasy. Even Pope Benedict somehow manages to loose the ability to add when he walks off the green.

   The above diatribe is based how badly the Republican Nomination campaign has degenerated.

   A bad part of my job requires me to watch what is laughingly referred to as ‘debates’. If these things are debates than TV quiz shows are college lectures.

   I can tell you that Newt Gingrich played fast and loose with the portion of the wedding vow that goes, “…in sickness and in health”. I can also tell you that Romney’s investment company bought up various businesses gutted them and laid-off hundreds of workers.

   However, I have a difficult time of relating any of the front-runners’ position on such topics as; social security, Medicare, international trade, the war in Afghanistan or illegal immigration.

   On the Democrat Party side they are just eating this up. The mud slinging plays perfectly into their hands.

   Here are their opponents doing all the dirt digging and the liberals have to merely sit by and take notes. When the general campaign rolls around they will have all the ammunition they need.

   The character assassination, the likes of which would make John Wilkes Booth spin in his grave, is complete. All they have to do is put a positive spin on everything they have done; promise to give away the rest of the house, fire everyone in the Immigration and Nationalization Service and sit back and count the votes that they have bought and paid for with the tax payers money.

   I would like to quote a word of warning that was told to me by the nuns, “In a p…..g contest, everybody gets wet”. © 2012, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

February 9, 2012 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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