Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

PhD doesn’t always mean Doctor

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My taste in TV runs towards the educational and science programs. No not “Sesame Street” nor “Dora the Explorer”, but stuff on the History Channel or Science Channel and the likes.

However, if you believe what you see we have had the schnitzel. The PhDs that interviewed in these programs have a few things in common.

First, the PhD that follows their names must stand for ‘Piled high and Deep’. Second, about 90% of these eggheads haven’t seen the inside of a barber shop in years and they all, men and women, need to stand a little closer to the razor. (A personal note to the Docs, Indiana Jones called and he wants his hat back.)

But, the oddest thing is they all describe the various ways we are going to be destroyed with smiles on their faces.

One of the most popular ways we are going to get it is in a meteor shower. So, you better be wearing a helmet indoors and out. Forget about driving anywhere because your car is going to be pounded down to four inches high and your yard is going to be turned into a crater-strewn rock garden.

If meteors are the ones with you name on it the next favorite is the one that is addressed, “To whom it may concern”, the comet. When a comet hits everybody gets it and if a portion of the earth survives only the cockroaches will be left. Sort of like NYC without the traffic.

Another space disaster is our Sun explodes into a supernova or a Chevy Nova or does the Bossa Nova. Anyway we are all going to be fried, even the cockroaches. But don’t run out and get the tanning lotion with 10,000 SPF. It isn’t due to happen for another three billion years.

Closer to home is when Yellowstone Park and all of Montana, Idaho, and Wyoming explode into the biggest volcano ever and cover your rock garden with 12 feet of ash. If the blast doesn’t get you that diet you have been meaning to go on has started. The science nerds say we are overdue on that one.

Let us not forget the ever lovely and popular global warming. The pocket protector set is divided on this one. Some say that Miami will be the new snowboarding destination and others that Milwaukee will be in the banana belt. Denver becoming beachfront property is also frequently mentioned.

Other possible extinctions are mega-earthquakes, nuclear war, and running out of fresh water to name a few.

The Mayans predict that the world will end on December 21 this year. What a bunch of wet blankets, but that explains why you never see them at parties. However, I wouldn’t max out my credit cards just yet.

These are all scary best guesses, but there is one disaster that is guaranteed. If President Obama is reelected on November 6 you can bet that our world is going to change and not, I believe, for the better © 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

February 16, 2012 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Humor

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