Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Terminal writer’s cramp

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The lawyers in Denver have managed to make the hamburger illegal. I was changing planes in Denver and had about a two-hour layover. I was headed for Atlanta and my luggage was going to Chicago.

I was feeling a bit peckish and so I went into one of the many restaurants on the concourse. Being in the middle of cattle country, I had my mouth set for a big, juicy hamburger.

I prefer mine grilled medium-rare, closer to rare then medium, and I told the waitress so. She looked at me as if I had asked for a bowl of cream of tarantula soup. I was firmly told that the only way they would cook a hamburger was well done. I would sooner eat a charcoal briquette so I went ahead and ordered the soup.

However, I did ask, “Who is cooking back there, the lawyers?”

What brought the diatribe about cooks in pin stripes is that I am in the process of attempting to buy a house. This should be a rather straightforward process, but I was wrong again.

The first set of documents I had to sign required my signature and/or initials 23 times. This was merely the offer from me the buyer (Read ‘chump’) to the seller. Next came the loan application. This little tome ran to 35 pages with the appropriate amount of signatures and a nearly terminal case of ‘writer’s cramp’.

Keep in mind we have yet to close on the purchase since there are some needed repairs that have to be done. After all, no one wants to buy a wrecked house. I want the pleasure of seeing my grandkids wreck it.

The closing guarantees to be a writer’s marathon and those papers are usually brought to the closing in a wheelbarrow.

Ostensibly, the paperwork is to make everything clear and above board. However, when you get to the point that requires enough paper to clear an acre’s worth of pulp wood clarity goes right out of the sub-standard window.

Brevity and lawyer’s briefs have a different meaning on Planet Suit and it has nothing to do with getting directly down to business.

I would like to remind the legal beagles that on September 2, 1945 on the deck of the USS Missouri the entire Japanese Empire, or what was left of it, unconditionally surrendered to the Allies on one sheet of paper. General MacArthur even supplied the pens.

Think of it. We got all the sushi recipes (catch fish and chew), the bad beer, and the even worse music. OK so it was sorry shape and still smoking in places, but the whole mess was ours with a couple of pen strokes.

So, I am left standing by waiting to see if I get to do another favorite thing of mine, moving. You will be able to tell if the deal went through from a distance.

I will be the one with his right arm in a sling and hands covered in paper cuts.© 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

March 1, 2012 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Humor

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