Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

This can’t be real

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It used to be, “The right way, the wrong way and the Army way”. We can now add to that, “The VA way”. The bureaucrats at the Veterans Administration hospital have changed the simple instruction of, ‘Pee in the cup” to a six step, fully illustrated poster prominently displayed on the bathroom walls complete with a plastic cover. I guess the cover is for those folks who get a little over enthusiastic or have poor aim.

I must say that the instructions clear things up considerably for me and will go a long way to eliminate the embarrassment of many of we ex-GIs who you see wandering the halls with suspicious wet stains on our trousers. I never would have guessed that Step #1 had to do with unbuttoning your fly. I guess you learn something new every day.

Come on VAers, it only takes six commands to unload an entire planeload of paratroopers into the “sky above”. The most important one, Number 2, “Hook Up” is the only one that really needs personal attention. The jumpmasters with some manhandling and a swift kick can handle the rest.

Another of these helpful instructions is in many government reports. It is currently the rage to label blank pages with “This page intentionally left blank”. This label can be found at the top and sometimes the bottom of the page. What is left out is, “…because you are too dumb to recognize a blank page and need to be told”.

Maybe it is a good thing. Imagine the time I could have saved when I was reading a report, came to a blank page, and spent hours staring at it blankly. Finally, after much contemplation, I would cautiously turn the page and ‘Behold’ more words would be there.

I guess when critics call a book, “A real page turner”; it means that there are a lot of blank pages.

Another thing I cannot get my head around is the four-way stop at a crossroad. Should not the desired results occur if you just put up two stop signs?

There is also a savings to the town because those signs have to be expensive, unless, of course, that one of the politicos has a relative in the sign business or is on the vig.

The two recent fads on TV have got me confused. The first is the popularity of the so-called ‘reality’ shows. If any of that is real then slap my bottom and call me ‘Snooki’.

The other show that has me dumbfounded is the ones dealing with UFOs and monsters. The producers of these shows are so much at a loss for material that there is one entitled, “UFOs in the Bible”. I am not the most religious person, but that one smacks of blasphemy.

I would like to go on record that Big Foot, the Yeti, the Jersey Devil, the South Carolina Democrat, et.al. should be put on the endangered species list and we all can get some peace. © 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

March 22, 2012 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Americana, Humor

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