Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Going to the dogs

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The Harmony County Quasi-Annual ‘Bark in the Park’ and impromptu dogfight was recently held in the Mildred H. ‘Pack Your Tooth Brush’ Frehr Park. (The park is named after the woman who was the head of the local draft board who once sent a young fellow in a half body cast to the reception station. When the guy was helped off the bus the NCOs took one look, said, “Mildred, right?”, and sent him back

Things started quietly enough with the smaller pooches timidly looking things over and sticking close to their humans. However, when the Great Danes arrived there was some serious tail tucking in the 10 pound or less set.

You could see the thought, “Does that thing come with a saddle?” going through their minds.

The Labradors and the semi- Labs were their usual goofy selves. Some dogs like German Shepard’s and Doberman Pinschers are serious minded and mission oriented. You can call them ‘men’. Labs and Weimaraners are the easy-going types. They are somewhat goofy and if they were human, they would be ‘guys’.

The party started with the usual Frisbee contests and agility demonstrations. This got the tempo up and you could see by the tail wags the dogs were getting with the program. It quickly became territory-marking time.

The wetting of the landscape is always the prelude to the impromptu dogfight. And right on queue it started. By the time the canines were brought under control there were quite a few two leggers wrapped from the knees down in leashes similar to the way calves are wrapped by cowboys at branding time, with similar postures on the ground and some very similar calf noises.

With calm restored and a couple hundred doggy treats distributed it was time for the distribution of the prizes. This is the part of the program that is a bit tricky because the humans have a tendency to ardently believe that their mutt is the best.

All went well up unto the point when, in typical Harmony County fashion, the award for the ugliest dog. I suppose this was to be considered humorous, but the owner of the first place winner did not take it that way.

The ensuing commotion between the owner and the person that handed out the prize made the dogfight look tame in comparison.

I am not fully aware of all the injuries sustained by the trophy presenter, but his proctologist said his patient should eventually recover, however he will walk funny and talk a few octaves higher for the rest of his life.

The dog show ended as many Harmony County public events do with the usual collection of law enforcement officers and first aid providers, but this time there was a contingent of vets dispensing doggy ‘Prozac’ to one and all.

However, there was another group of animals that are going to require therapy. As soon as the animal welfare folks can talk the squirrels down from the highest branches their mental health should be restored. © 2012 Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

April 19, 2012 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor

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