Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Sake all around

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We finally caught a financial break here in Harmony County. Up until now, the only businesses that would be considered income generators would be the cottage industries that produce personality-altering substances in either powder or liquid forms.

Just last month we had the grand opening of a plant that manufactures golf carts. The owners of the facility are a major company from the Land of the Rising Sun. The company wishes to be anonymous, but the name rhymes with ‘Omaha’.

The management is almost exclusively from Japan and the workforce is locals. It is odd in that almost to the man the first things that the leadership did after arriving is they rushed out and bought the biggest cars they could find. Then they immediately drove their mega machines to the golf course and joined. It seems that in Japan SUVs that are visible from outer space and golf courses are both expensive and rare.

Things started slow. It seems that Japanese manufacturing processes differ from the ones in the States.

One thing was the requirement that each shift started with a brief session of stretches and exercises.  After some minor complaints, the boys and girls finally grudgingly agreed.

The first sessions were filled with creaks and cracks as if a couple of hundred people were popping their knuckles simultaneously and the jumping jacks could only be described as hilariously uncoordinated. However, eventually the group said that the activity did clear away the cobwebs from the six-pack of the night before and felt generally better for the effort.

However, heels dug in universally when the management insisted that each PT session ended with the group singing the company song. You have to remember that this group only sang songs about; pickup trucks, favorite dogs, and being left by spouses/girl or boy friends/first cousins. Occasionally, they would mumble their way through a hymn, and at the beginning of any sporting event, they sang something that has been called, “The Star Strangled Banner” in the hidden key of R.

However, the worst thing that happened was not the singing requirement. It seems that the plant director was heard on an open mike at a business meeting as referring to the workers as, “a bunch of lazy Americans”. The sushi hit the fan.

The very next day the entire workforce should up wearing t-shirts that had a picture on the front of the first A-bomb, ‘Fat-Man’ with the words, “Built by lazy Americans” on the back was a mushroom cloud and written around it, “And tested in Japan”.

Cooler heads finally prevailed and a deal was brokered. The overseas contingent agreed to lighten up. They would try sour mash, Big Macs and when speaking to two or more workers use the phrase ‘y’all’ (Which sounds funny with the Japanese problem with pronouncing ‘L’.)

The ‘crackers’  said they would stop yelling, ‘bonzai!’ at the beginning of  each shift, not drive their pickups into the sides of the SUVs  and all get Godzilla tattoos. © 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

April 26, 2012 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor

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