Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

It’s an addiction

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It is that time of year again when I forget the doctor’s advice about avoiding stressful situations, overdose on the stupid pills, and drag out the golf clubs.

“How good a golfer are you?” you may ask. Well I usually wear out two or three putters each season. It is not the grips that I wear out but the other end of the club through use. It is not a rare occurrence when I line up my fifth or sixth putt.

By way of explanation, I offer this little ditty:

In my hand I hold a ball, white and dimpled rather small.
Oh how bland it does appear this harmless looking little sphere.
By its size I could not guess the awesome strength it does possess.
However since I fell beneath its spell I’ve wandered through the fires of hell.
My life has not been quite the same since I chose to play this stupid game.
It rules my mind for hours on end a fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me yell, curse, and cry; I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par if I can hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses and does exactly as it chooses.
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies and even disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim to hit a tree or take a swim.

– The Unknown Golfer

However, over the years I have learned some skills that might be considered handy to have on the golf course. I have learned; How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee, how to avoid the water when you lie eight in a bunker, how to get more distance off a shank, when to give the Ranger the finger.

Other useful activities include; using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent, when to implement Handicap Management, the proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m., how to urinate behind a 4″x4″ post undetected, how to rationalize a six-hour round.

The list goes on; how to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water, how to let a foursome play through your twosome, how to relax when you are hitting three off the tee, when to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent, and when to re-grip your ball retriever.

“Golf is a good walk ruined”, said Mark Twain and I agree.

Only the Good Lord knows how many times I have blasphemed while out in the woods and I am afraid that there will be some horrendous payback when I am called to that great course in the sky, but if I get off with just having to scoop up cherub poop on the greens, I will have gotten off easy.

Nevertheless, we need to fill out a foursome next Saturday. Are you busy? © 2012 Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

May 3, 2012 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor, Sports

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