Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

My new roomies

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You would figure that when you get to my age, do not ask, I would have enough sense to watch what I say, particularly around my grandkids. But no, I managed to insert both feet in my mouth and this time I pulled out two kittens.

My SGIC, Senior Grandchild In Charge, is a delightful young woman. She has a great heart and by way of illustration when she is not studying at Lander University, she volunteers her time in the local animal adoption center.

Since I am moving to a new home, I casually mentioned that it would be nice if I had some pets around to keep me company. Therein lies the problem. The SGIC heard this remark and took immediate action.

Consequently, I have two new roomies. They are of the young feline persuasion and as such have completely taken over the place. A wise person once observed, “Dogs have owners, cats have staffs”.

Mary Katherine gave them names when she got them. They were ‘Tommie’ and ‘Joey’. I thought that this was rather pedestrian and after a few days of observation, they got the new monikers of ‘Lazy Jake’ and ‘Fast Eddie’ much more appropriate to their personalities.

Lazy Jake is exactly that for most of the day. Cats are notorious for having lousy internal clocks and Jake’s clock needs rewinding. To him yawning is an effort and an occasional trip to the food bowl and the litter box is exhausting. There is an exception to this lack of activity and I will discuss it later.

Fast Eddie on the other hand goes from point A to point B at full speed and he does it all day. He is constantly underfoot and is talking all the time. All this activity leads to Eddie’s major shortfall. He has a serious gas problem that makes one believe he is jet propelled.

Jake has a characteristic not normally associated with pets. At the risk of sounding politically incorrect let me just say that Jake is ‘gender confused’, much to the chagrin of Fast Eddie who does not scratch that way. Draw your own picture, enough said.

The one collective problem I have with the two of them is the daily reenactment of the Oklahoma Land Stampede. Unfortunately, the historical event is celebrated at 4:30 a.m. The Stampede come complete with hisses, spits, growls, head banging and thumps. It lasts for about an hour so I feel like I am back in the Army and the Platoon Sergeant kicks the metal trashcan down the middle of the platoon bay as a wake up call.

They just beat the daylights out of each other so here is a little ditty that describes my roomies;

There once were two cats from Kilkenny.

Each thought there was one cat too many.

So they fought and they spit,

And they scratched and they bit.

Until only their nails and the tips of their tails was left

and the rest of the cats wasn’t any. © 2012, Jim McGowan



Written by harmonycounty

May 17, 2012 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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