Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Follow the bouncing ballot

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Recently there has been a big flap about nearly 200 people being thrown off the ballot in next month’s Primary. The best I can make of it is that an added requirement was placed on the wanna-be’s to file an additional form concerning their individual finances.

Strange as it may seem if I decided that I wanted to run for office one of the first things I would want to do is to insure I got my paperwork right. I would even take it one step further and insure it was in early in case there was any corrections were required. But, that may just may be me.

In Harmony County we are used to having our candidates heaved off the ballot. Besides the usual reasons i.e., arrests, a sudden attack of sobriety, or even their mothers would not vote for them etc., our boys and girls have managed to come up with some ways to be bounced off the ballot. When the state auditors come by to check they find some rather startling rule bending.

It has been noted that the signatures on the petition to be put on the ballot bears an uncanny resemblance to ‘dearly departed’ found on the tombstones found in Harmony County bone yard. This has elicited responses from the inspectors such as, “Gee I didn’t know that he passed away” or “If this is the same guy, he must be around 134 years old”.

The petition has also attracted the interest of such persons as state and federal law enforcement agencies and divorced spouses with over due alimony payments. This is because of the uncanny resemblance it has to the inmate roster at the Harmony County Detention Facility.

Some comments have also been made about the similarity in handwriting of the signatures on the petitions. Possibly it is because of the insistence of Sister Mary Fast-Break at St. Bingo’s Elementary School when it came to doing ‘push, pulls, and ovals’.

Another problem seems to be the mailing address for the write-in ballots. Oddly enough it is the same address as the ‘Flippin’ Dippin’ and Sippin’ Redneck Bar’ and since none of the patrons cannot vote because of felony convictions, one has to wonder why so many people use the place as a mail-drop.

Not only does this ‘flea-milking’ attitude on the part of the inspectors towards the rules cause the usual Harmony County ballot to be printed on a postcard, there are some economic consequences.

Where, in other counties, sales of pints of cheap whisky skyrocket and the banks are required to provide bundles of $5 bills, in Harmony County it is business as usual. Who needs to give ‘Thank You for Voting’ gifts when running unopposed?

However, Harmony County voters usually turn out in droves. Candidates rent buses to get the people to the various polling places as a courtesy to potential voters or, perhaps it is to validate the old Chicago saying, “Vote early, vote often”. One can never be too sure. © 2012, Jim McGowan



Written by harmonycounty

May 24, 2012 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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