Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Words you never want to hear

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“I want you to know that it wasn’t me who called the police”. I got this one from my next-door neighbor while I was mowing the lawn. I had recently returned from vacation after leaving my three teenage boys at home, two of whom were in college. (When it comes to stupid, I have few equals.)

As you can well imagine they threw a kegger that had registered on the Richter Scale. I was told that when the cops arrived it looked like the breakout scene from “The Great Escape”. Not surprisingly, the guy that supplied the beer was the first one over the back fence. Needless, the boys ended up paying some serious fines and got some community service.

“Dad, did I wake you”? this is one of those 3 AM calls that never brings good news. My response was, “No, I was out shingling the roof”. It turns out that he and a few of his college chums were on a night on the town. They were outside a saloon in Atlanta and my boy decided it would be funny to let the air out of the tires of a police car.

While the car was empty, the cops were observing nearby and found no humor in the prank. The lad got hauled off to the callibozo and wanted me to pay his fine. I told him, “Enjoy your stay”, and hung up.

“Who was the last person in here”! This was yelled by a guy who came stumbling out of the men’s room that I had just left. His face was red, tears running down his face, and was violently fanning his hands. Everybody in the newsroom slowly turned their heads and looked at me.

A word to the wise, if you lunch on a double bean burrito with extra hot sauce washed down with a cold beer and you need to use the facilities back at the office, bring along a can of industrial strength air freshener.

“Screeeeeech! Who left the door open”? I am a lover of the great outdoors. However, as such I prefer it to stay outdoors. Didelphis virginiana, loving referred to as ‘Brer possum’ had managed to get through the screen door and was helping himself to the cats’ food.

The ensuing pursuit and capture could have been choreographed by ‘Wiley Coyote’. To dispute the common belief that the marsupial ‘plays possum’ I can assure you they can move like furry lightning, have teeth and claws, and are not afraid to use them.

“It’s a piece of cake. Nothing to it”. When these words precede your first zip-line ride, cliff dive, invitation to pet a large predator, go down a ski jump, or try your hand at bull riding I can only hope your insurance is paid up and you can handle pain. If the speaker has a smirk on his face, watch out.

“Oops”! Not particularly threatening, but when it comes from the surgeon who is giving you a vasectomy the consequence can be frightening. © 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

May 31, 2012 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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