Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Oh London Olympics

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Once again, the Summer Olympics are upon us. I have always been a big fan of the summer games, not so much the Winter Olympics. It is that snow thing. If I see a field covered in white it had better be a cotton field and the only proper use for ice is to be broken up and have bourbon poured over it.

There are a couple of exceptions. I like to watch; downhill skiing, bobsledding, and ski jumping. It all has to do with the thing I call the ‘lunatic factor’. I easily identify with the nut jobs that participate in these sports. It takes one to know one.

The British are hosting this year’s events. So be prepared to see the royal family about as much as the sporting events. I understand the Queen is going to be the official starter at the 100-meter dash. It is in compensation for her not qualifying for the team.

She had a problem with the crown that kept sliding down and covering her eyes. I understand she slammed into a wall at full tilt. When she came to she had some very unroyal things to say and displayed a shocking lack of knowledge of human anatomy.

I mean, a crown just would not fit where she suggested the judge that disqualified her put it. I suppose he is glad that no longer can she bellow, “Off with his head!”, and have nine guys immediately turn to with axes.

As is the custom the host country will be able to select a sport that is popular in their nation to be included as demonstration sport. Since the games are being held in Great Britain there was a good deal of discussion. The Scots wanted caber tossing where they throw telephone poles for distance. The Welsh wanted something to do with their favorite dog, the Welsh Corgi. The Northern Irish wanted Guinness drinking marathons. The Brits wanted cricket, which is as exciting as watching the grass grow.

A compromised was reached where they will toss the dogs around a saloon, then go out on the lawn, and pass out face down. I am sure the pups will extract their revenge at this point.

The entire country is geared up for a huge influx of spectators. Just to give you an idea, Parliament passed a law that said that people in the tourist industries cannot jack up there prices more than 20%. I wonder if that applies to the people who are selling tickets. The best seats at the opening ceremonies are $3,105. The nosebleed seats are $94. I will be watching. My seat costs around $10, beer included.

However, words to the wise, if you are a British jock and do not do well just remember the Queen may not be able to give the, “OWHH” command but, she has a lot of space left in the Tower of London and nothing good ever happened there. (Ref, “Dickie Trip”, musical by Walter Shakespeare.) © 2012, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

June 14, 2012 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Humor, Sports

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