Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Hop-scotch without a helmet

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As you know, we have a huge problem with illegal immigrants flooding into Harmony County. There must be thousands of undocumented Latvians lurking about doing Latvian things such as playing their nose-flutes in public, bouncing around in their national sport of full contact hop-scotch and cooking their national dishes such as walrus stir-fry and stuffed skunk.

Illegal immigration is also a subject of much discussion amongst the local politicos and in an effort to buy off the Latvian vote our head of the county commission; Boomer Hairshirt O’Bibble has proclaimed a questionable amnesty ruling.

All Latvians, particularly those who have Latvian friends or relations who can vote, “who are no more than 30 years old, who arrived in this county before they were 16 and have lived in the county for more than five years. They must not have a criminal record and have earned a high school diploma, be in school or have served in the military.”

There are a few hooks hidden in the deal. One is that the paperwork verifying the individual’s status must be renewed every two years. Surprisingly this coincides with election days for county offices. It also goes against the wishes of the county council. Therefore, it was more like a royal decree as opposed to a law prepared by elected officials. Also, I don’t remember an age limit, up or down, on illegal immigrants contained in current laws.

Another glitch is that when the person signs up they are probably going to have to say who brought them here and when it happen. So, if their parents swam the river towing Junior in a duck tube they are going to have their names in an official record indicating he or she is an illegal immigrant, nothing like a chance to drop a dime on mom and pop.

So all in all Boomer’s pronuncio may sound like a big deal, but chances are our Latvian friends, neighbors and lawn boys will be staying away from it in droves. It is, in fact, admitting to a crime and taking your relatives with you. It is kind of like being pulled over for a DUI and volunteering that you have been boozing it up for the past three days.

The sum of the situation is this; Boomer announced a change in the law that he does not have the authority to do, Latvians are going to have to rat down their parents in order to get a work permit that must be renewed every two years at election time, legal Latvians get an empty, ‘warm and fuzzy’, and anyone who opposes this change is going to be looked upon as anti-Latvian.

So fear not, this is a classic “tempest in a teapot” political move. Nothing is going to change. We will still have to endure the flute music and stuffed quadrupeds. However, your lawn will still be mowed and your will continue to pay for the education and services of people who can hopscotch a fence.© 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

June 21, 2012 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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