Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The BBB and drugs

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According to a recent story by the Associated Press, four stoners mistakenly called Rowan County, N.C. Sheriff’s Deputy Jagger Naves at around 4 a.m. and complained about the quality of a shipment of drugs they had recently purchased and demanded that the mistake be corrected. They did this four times. This is so wrong on so many levels.

First off, everybody knows that cops have only the best drugs. They spend a huge amount of time arresting people and confiscating their drugs such that the evidence room of any police station is comparable to the wine cellar of a five-star restaurant only much bigger. Consequently, if a cop wanted to sell drugs they would be of the highest, pardon the pun, quality. (This also raises the question of why is the officer in charge of the evidence locker usually is the happiest guy on the force? But that is a different matter.)

Next, the deputy they called has the first name of Jagger. Now that is a name associated with personality altering chemicals. So, it is safe to assume that his parents were big “Rolling Stones” fans. It is also a lead pipe cinch that when Jagger was a kid in school he had to deal with a lot of grief over his name.

Then there was the timing of the call. Four a.m. is no time for a phone call unless you are calling to inform the receiver that they have just won the lottery. If you called the Pope at 4 a.m., you are going to get an earful in three or four different languages all of which when translated into English would contain a phrase or two that would rhyme with ‘duck shoe’.

Last, I find it difficult to believe that a local drug dealer would have a customer service department. I mean, how would the call be answered? “Hello, this is the Shifty the Drug Dealer Customer Service Line. Press one for English, Empuje dos por espanol.”

Police are usually a pretty serious bunch. Not many practical jokers on the force since everybody packs at least one hand cannon. However, this is one incident report had to be posted on the bulletin board under “Joke of the Month’.

You do not need a crystal ball to figure out how this ended. Four, 4 a.m. calls to a Deputy named Jagger who probably has an axe to grind concerning drugs, to complain about the quality of the illegal drugs they just bought ended up in four arrests and a bunch of giggling cops who made the bust.

After the heads had a chance to sober up in the local iron bar city they realized the gravity of their situation and took appropriate action.

All four of them contacted both the local Chamber of Commerce and the Better Business Bureau. Their complaint was for the quality of the dope and the unbusiness like way that the deputies treated them, since they never received a refund. © 2012, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

July 5, 2012 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

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