Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Miss again in Michigan

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I wish I could come up with this stuff. “Michigan hopes to keep drunks off the road with the help from a special message in men’s bathrooms featuring an attention-getting woman’s voice.

“Talking urinal-deodorizer cakes have been distributed to Michigan Licensed Beverage Association members in Wayne County, including Detroit, state officials announced. A recorded message will play reminding men who step up to the urinals to call a cab or a friend, if needed, to get home safely.

“Not only do we want to turn some heads and get people talking, we hope everyone takes the message to heart,” Michael L. Prince, director of the Michigan Office of Highway Safety Planning, said in a statement” according to a recent AP story.

Let me draw you a picture. You are in a sport’s bar on a Saturday afternoon during football season. You are there with your running buddies and everyone is doing their best to insure that Budweiser is going to make a large annual profit.

About halftime during the second game, you and the lads all independently determine that it is time to, ‘shed a tear for dear old Ireland’. You all simultaneously dismount, execute a right about left face, and march off to the porcelain palace.

Everyone is following the unwritten rules of GMRB, (Guy’s Men’s Room Behavior); no talking, eyes straight ahead, and pretend you have a fixation on bathroom wall tile. At this point, there is unzipping in unison and then all hell breaks loose.

Suddenly there is a woman’s voice from the urinals and there are violent reactions consisting of backwards leaping, uncontrollable, unaimed spraying and profane explicatives shouted at the top of there lungs. This lasts for about 30 seconds because once the dam breaks there is no stopping the flood.

Eventually calm is restored and you and the boys leave the men’s room red-faced, soaking wet, squishing with each step and go to the nearest carwash where the rest of the day is spent going through the premium cycle multiple times without the benefit of an automobile.

If all ya’ll went through the same wee-wee dance at the site of the recent wildfires out West not so much as a square foot would have been burnt. However, there would have been some air quality issues and a general exodus to New Jersey by every critter with a functioning olfactory system, humans included.

It appears as if Mr. Prince is going to get more than he bargained for. First off, all the janitors who work in saloons in Wayne County are going to have it in for him big time. However, on the plus side, he is definitely in the running for the coveted “Man of the Year” award presented by the Michigan Dry Cleaners Association.

So fellows, if you are going to Michigan this summer and you plan to stop off and have a cold one or twelve, bring along an empty coffee can. It will save you both embarrassment and dry cleaning expenses.© 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

July 12, 2012 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

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