Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Coffee. tea or me

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I am a big coffee fan. That is rather odd since I was brought up in a tea-drinking household. It is an Irish thing. In fact, I remember when I was a ‘paperboy’, on cold days my Nana would make sure I had a hot cup of tea before I shoved off, which I suspect was laced with a high-octane product produced on Caribbean Islands, and heave newspapers at dogs that wanted nothing more than to turn me into a eunuch.

However, when I went into the Army the only tea that was available was the cold, sweet type that is our beloved table wine of the South. Consequently, I was introduced to coffee.

In the military coffee comes in two types; the first is called ‘Ah, yuck’, and the second is known as, ‘What is this &@#$’.

The first is due to Mess Sergeants being fanatics about cleanliness. Consequently, the huge coffee pots are cleaned to within an inch of their lives. The soap residue makes the best coffee taste ‘yucky’ however, it is very safe to drink.

The second is when people in the various offices prepare coffee for the soldiers that are working in that office. I have seen GIs take the last cup and, following the unwritten rule, make the next pot.

They took the pot, filled it up with water, and instead of dumping out the used grinds they merely added more. Senior NCOs who have fought on three continents and survived  have had their eyebrows disappear into their hairlines after one sip.

Recently, one of my kids bought me an espresso maker as a gift. I am a bit of a coffee fanatic. I buy ‘green’ beans and roast them myself, then I grind them to make my morning brew. So far, so good.

I followed the instructions that came with the espresso maker. Since it only produced a couple of ounces, I multiplied the recipe by four. I heated up some ‘half and half’ added some sugar and then some serious, unconscious  biologic results involving excessive caffeine occurred.

It seems that after my drinking the espresso I swam down the Broad River to Charleston and back. I did this with an anvil strapped to my chest and wearing my bathrobe.

After that, I cleaned off the exterior of the State House by licking it and then sprinted to Cincinnati and back (Run Forrest, Run). I eventually came down from the caffeine induced high and when the cops found me, I was trimming my lawn at three a.m.

However, I was doing it with a nail clipper and I had managed to trim everybody’s lawn for a five-block radius. Obviously, I don’t handle caffeine well.

Coffee is good/bad for you depending upon what MD is making the statement. However, I can listen in on conversations on aircraft flying above me at  35,000 feet and see through my neighbors walls, they are kinky to say the least, and I would advise caution at before 7 am.© 2012 Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

July 19, 2012 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

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