Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

How to give a cat a pill

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How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand as cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Get new pill, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of bookcase. Sweep shattered figurines and vases and set to one side for gluing later. Call spouse.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down with a drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and clean blood from carpet.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill and beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with spoon. Shoot pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Get a screwdriver and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the #$%^&* cat from the top of the tree across the road. Get last pill.
13. Using work gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with heavy twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers, forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store and order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to pickup mutant cat from hell and call pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.


Written by harmonycounty

August 16, 2012 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Americana, Humor

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