Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

“School days, school days, dear old…”

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Contrary to popular belief, the week proceeding New Year’s Eve is not the busiest week for the liquor industry. ‘Back to School’ week is when the credit card reading devices are worn out and you can forget about cash register drawers. They are left dangling behind the counter like Charlie Brown’s kite after an unfortunate encounter with a tree.

Liquor store clerks at closing time collapse on the floor gasping for breath as if that had just run a marathon, up hill all the way. While the storeowners have visions of beachfront property in Tahiti with matching Ferraris parked out front.

Meanwhile, back at home, parents have their feet up on the coffee table with a pitcher of mojitos or an adult beverage of choice and congratulate themselves for not strangling the little darlings on at least twenty-five occasions. “I brought you into this world; I can certainly take you out”.

The offspring are at the school bus stop complete with back packs stuffed with lunch boxes, pencil cases, and electronic devices only a kid can understand. They are waiting for the ‘yellow Mariah’ to drag them back to do their time. They all have the same complaint, “Mom, Dad, the bus doesn’t get here for another three hours”. The response is something along the lines of, “Button it junior. Enjoy the sunrise”.

This summer was par for the course with the mini-McGowan’s. Jake learned that when swinging on a rope over a pond the commitment time is when they jump off the stump, not when they are at the top of the swing. Chickening out and holding on for the return trip usually ends up a detailed examination of an oak tree and a mouth full of bark.

JJ was schooled in fundamental physics involving velocity, mass, gravity and a skateboard. This was followed by a practical application in basic first aid.

Doc, on a visit to his grandparent’s ranch out west, discovered the relationship between cattle, fences, territorialism, the shortest distance between two points, running through cow flops is much preferable than time consuming zigzags, the big brown things are surprisingly fast, and sneakers are easy to wash.

The adults of the family have started up our annual pool to see which of the kids will be the first to get detention. The smart money is on the older boys, but I am going long on Virginia Elizabeth.

Vee is the darling of the mob. Curly blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and enchanting smile, she is quite the charmer and knows it. However, she has been getting grief from her older brothers all summer. That makes her a volcano just waiting to erupt. I am betting that she is going to dumb-slap the first kid that pushes her the wrong way.

So, we adults have nine months to recover. In the meantime I will be helping some of the kids with their Spanish. You can bet that they will learn some words not found in a Spanish dictionary. Pay back.© 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

August 23, 2012 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Americana, Humor

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