Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Google to the rescue

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I am often accused of being a Neanderthal. I suppose it is the scuffmarks on my knuckles that gives me away. The truth of the matter became painfully obvious when I went to purchase a battery for my cell phone.

I went to the store to pick up a replacement. Showing the phone to the clerk, I used my best Conan the Barbarian style, pointed to the phone, grunted, and said, “Bat-re”. The kid looked at it as if I had stolen it from the Smithsonian and said, “Wow, that’s old”.

“Yeah”, I replied, “I have George Washington’s number on auto-dial”. The kid said back, “I don’t know if they still make a battery for that model. I think they stopped when Bob Barker hit puberty”. The irony of the conversation is that the phone is three years old. Then it finally hit me.

I got out my steam powered antique and looked at the menu. My prehistoric device can: take photos, record videos, has a GPS function, play music, access multiple Apps (whatever they are), send and receive emails and instant messages, and, the only two that I use, send and receive text messages and surprise, surprise, send and receive phone calls.

(The above is not completely true. I do use the photo capability on rare occasions. When I need to go to the hardware store, I take a pix of what I am repairing to show the project to the clerk. That has saved a bunch of trips back and forth since I do not speak ‘hardware’.)

It appears that the reason my archaic cell phone is not up to date is because it cannot play TV programs, movies,  I can’t read books on it, and some other things that even when they were explained to me I did not understand. I cannot speak ‘geek’ either.

So here is the dilemma. I have a cell phone with a dying battery and no replacement batteries are available. That means I have to buy a new phone with a ton of junk on it I will not use, and in order to get a decent price on a phone I have to get a new plan. You can bet that the new plan will cost more than the one I have now.

If I switch phone companies, I have to pay a fine to the old company for not completing my current contract and I cannot keep my old number. This is a classic, “Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t”.

Anyway you look at it I am going to have to shovel out a ton of bucks to keep my phone service. New phone with new plan costs more for the plan. New phone, different company I pay a big fine to the old company and get to notify everybody of the new number and change all my business stationary.

So I went to the court of last resort. I searched for the battery on Google and got a replacement for $15. Lesson learned. © 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

August 30, 2012 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Americana, Humor

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