Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Scrambled eggs, easy

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It is a three-way tie for the most boring thing you can do. Watching the paint dry, watching the grass grow, or watching any political party National Convention. However, there were a few points made.

According to the Republicans President Obama is responsible for every disaster that has ever occurred going back to the Flood. Not only that, he puts mayonnaise on his French fries.

Mitt Romney, on the other hand or foot, feet stink and he don’t love Jesus, and he bowls left-handed. Talk about evil.

What ever happened to the old-fashioned conventions? You remember; people screaming at one another, beating opponents senseless with the candidate signs, flying whiskey bottles, empty of course, fill the air, naked people running up and down the aisle with their hair on fire, and all that just at the press conferences. In the actual conventions, things really got wild.

Nowadays things are staged, rehearsed and as about as exciting as scrambled eggs. First off, a party heavy hitter makes the nomination speech and to the surprise of nobody, the nominee is unanimously approved by acclimation. Then the nominee for the vice president gets the same treatment. More about the VP later.

The next few days all the second stringers and wanna-be’s line up and give the same speech, “Our guy is the ‘second coming’ and the other guy is a big poopy head”. They usually add words to the effect that if the other party comes to power the country will be destroyed overnight.

Next comes the party platform. When one thinks of platforms one naturally thinks of something stoutly built, meant to last, and followed to the letter. Wrong, they are just bones thrown to the delegates. If somebody is a super tree hugger and wants to “Save the mosquitoes” it becomes a plank in the platform.

Well, the platform is as permanent as tissue paper and the nominees pretty much use it the same way. Then there is a big flap over the vice presidential nominee.

Just what does a VP do? They cut a lot of ribbons to open bridges and parking lots and they preside over the Senate. However, they cannot vote unless it is to break a tie vote. Vice President Biden did that exactly zero times in the past three+ years. Therefore, he had ample opportunity to catch up on his sleep. Once the election is over the VP disappears quicker then free chicken wings in a redneck saloon.

Finally the nominee humbly accepts. Just once I would like to hear one of these mooks quote William Tecumseh Sherman and say, “If nominated I will not accept, if elected I will not serve”. Fat chance, but the pandemonium that would create would make great TV.

How riveting are conventions? My cats watched the first day. Now Fast Eddie is chasing invisible flies and Lazy Jake just lies on his back watching the ceiling fan rotate.

If you get excited over scrambled eggs, conventions are just for you. © 2012, Jim Mc Gowan

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Written by harmonycounty

September 6, 2012 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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