Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Hidden in the text

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I was sitting at home watching a rerun of “NCIS” for the eight or ninth time and my cell phone rings. The phone has two ring tones. One is for voice messages and is a pretty normal type of a ring. The other tone is for text messages, this one is a bit strange.

It is as if a small electronic device could develop a severe intestinal disorder in its lower digestive tract and the resulting noise is something one would not produce in a social situation.

So anyway, my phone breaks wind. It is a text message from one of my grandsons named Jake. (I have two with the name Jake and it is very confusing.) He sends me the message, “Do you have a drill”? I text a reply, “Yes”. He texts back with, “Can we borrow it”? I respond with, “Yes”. Now he comes in with, “Are you home”? I reply, “Yes”. Jake ends this snappy conversation with, “We’ll be over in a few minutes”.

Obviously, I am at a loss for words and do not reply. The irony in the situation comes in two areas. The first is all the texting took about ten minutes to complete. The second is that he lives three blocks away.

When he shows up, I decide to give him a lesson in logic and history. “Jake, oh bearer of our proud and honored name, what the hell is with all this texting? We wasted over ten minutes typing on teeny, tiny keyboards, my phone was busily making sounds as if it was converting oxygen into a combination of carbon dioxide and methane and the whole exchange could have taken 30 seconds if you would have just called and talked to me. For that matter, you could have low-crawled over here in ten minutes.

“Did you expect me to say no to your temporary use of my Black and Decker, Model DR260, 3/8th  power drill with matching tote bag”?

Jake looked at me as if I was as old as Methuselah. I continued, “It is called a cell phone for a reason. The reason is that can be used for making phone calls”. From the expression on his face, I could see I was getting nowhere. I handed him the drill and mumbled, “Bring it back tomorrow”.

I got another couple of demonstrations of this texting phenomena. We were at lunch and I swear that before Jake could go through a bowl of ravioli he had received five text messages all from the same person.

I was picking up one of the tribe at school. School was out and two out of three of the pups coming out were staring into their texting devices with their little thumbs just flying away. I will bet that the kid that they were texting was walking right behind them.

I guess I am not all that popular. All I get is memos about appointments that I made myself. It holds down the phone farts. © 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

September 27, 2012 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Americana, Humor

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