Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The true meaning of prayer

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I am not given to spontaneous outbreaks of prayer. About as close as I get is the occasional outbursts of what most folks would consider blasphemy usually brought on by household accidents, when my cats the Evil Twins; Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake misbehave, or Auburn games.

You would figure, with my past life had experiences, that I would have caught on by now never to volunteer for anything. But noooooo, I had the classic ‘engage mouth before engaging brain’ moment and volunteered to give a driving lesson to one of my teenage grandkids. To quote Forrest Gump, “Stupid is as stupid does”.

I have occasionally wondered what it takes to be a driving instructor. You have seen these guys. They are the ones who, staggering out of the drug store and instead of a little, brown, pill bottle, is carrying a gallon-size, zipper bag bulging with industrial strength Xanax® and the pharmacist says, “See you next week, Mr. Bergman”. He was the only person I have seen that legally buys his drugs by the pound.

These fellows are pretty jumpy. The have a tendency to be startled by such things as over aggressive gerbils and automatic doors opening. Bergman might even be more so, because he is carrying the drugs in one hand and doing laps around a rosary with the other.

He might just be a religious man, but I am pretty sure he is Jewish. I understand he also has a perfect attendance record at the First Baptist Church and has worn out three bells at the Buddhist temple. I guess he is just covering all the bases.

The lesson was set for the late afternoon. It was a typical Southern summer day, short and intense thunderstorms popping up with little notice and lasting about five minutes. The kind where you turn on the headlights, the windshield wipers are set at max and you hope to remember to turn off the lights when you park.

We were driving through one of these downpours when my grandson said, “This is the first time I have driven in the rain”. At that point, it was suddenly as wet inside the car as it was outside. It was here that Jake, (I know, we got more kids and cats named Jake around here that you can’t shake a tree without a couple of Jakes falling out.) got another lesson. This one was, ‘How to Express Yourself with Words Not Used in Polite Company’.

Like all teens, Jake has a lead foot. So most of the rest of the day was spent with me screaming, “Slow the @#$% down”! Needless, I’m going to let stoned professionals pick it up from here.

Have you ever seen the movies where the passengers kneel down and kiss the runway after a particularly bad flight? When we finally screeched to a stop in the driveway, my very tight butt was facing skyward on the lawn. You have never heard more fervent and heartfelt prayers of thanks. © 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

October 4, 2012 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Americana, Humor

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