Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

What is that stench?

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I have a pair of stinkers. Contrary to popular belief, cats are not necessarily clean critters. My two wee beasties, Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake are living proof of that, about 100 proof. When it comes to personal hygiene, they are devoted practitioners of the old saying, “A lick and a promise”.

When I announced my intentions to give the Smelly Brothers a bath at a recent family dinner I, surprisingly, got their full support. They expressed this support by immediately starting a pool as to how many stitches I would need after the foul deed was done.

The rules were simple; pick a number and the one closest to the actual number would win the pot. It was $5.00 a pick, cash only, no markers since they knew one another too well. Side bets were allowed.

(Please note:  The following nicknames are given in accordance with; Grandparents Regulations, 2009 edition, Chapter 6, Paragraph 14[b] that states, “Grandparents are required to give nicknames to all grandchildren that are both embarrassing and permanent such that said names will stay with them throughout their lives.” e.g. ‘Mitt’ Romney.)

“Queenie” the Senior Grandchild in Charge, (SGIC) aka Mary Katherine, led off with 10 stitches. Her thinking was that even I could figure out when enough was enough. That was most complimentary of her.

Next in line came Jacob Patrick, currently know as “Evil Knievil” due to a recent moped accident where he made a perfect three-point landing, both elbows and his chin in an azalea bush, went a bit higher with 15. I am guessing he was hedging his bet.

“Kimo” so named because he was born in Hawaii and that is the pronunciation of ‘Jim’ since they have no ‘J’ in their alphabet. Listening to a Hawaiian blaspheme can be quite confusing. As per his personality, he picked 50. Kimo has always been out there. His eighth grade class who voted him, “Most Likely to Be Abducted by Aliens” gives a clue of how his mind works.

“Moon Pie” the youngest sweetie of the blue eyes and curly blond hair, who also goes under the name of Virginia Elizabeth, laid down her finski on 25. She later sidled up to me and quietly said she was willing to give me a, “two-point ‘vig’ if I took a dive”. Where she learned to talk like a New Jersey bookie still has me wondering.

Once the bets were down, I came in and put up my five bucks. I bet on zero. This is when the kids knew the ‘fix’ was on.

The rest was easy. Taking one cup of chicken livers and mixing an equal amount of catnip and a quick buzz in the blender provided the exact formula to change ‘stinkers’ into ‘stoners’.

In the vernacular associated with the ingestion of personality altering chemicals the boys were long past, in ascending order; “high, buzzed, zooted, wasted, or stoned”. They had achieved that rare level of consciousness caused by excessive illegal substance abuse; they could see sounds.

Grabbing my feline “Cheech and Chong” and dropping them into the washer was all it took. Putting the machine on the gentle cycle, the boys got a spin. Popping them into the dryer next and when finished there were two pairs of hooded eyes staring out of two basketball-sized hairballs.

You could hear them slowly thinking, “Whoa dude, that was some serious nip”. © 2012, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

October 25, 2012 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Americana, Humor

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