Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

This thing sucks

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   With my usual disregard for doing something constructive with my time, I was watching TV the other day and came upon a commercial that left me stunned. At first I thought it was a joke or one of those commercials that start off with some absurd product and then goes on to sell you insurance. However, these guys were serious.

   It was of the type that ends with, “But wait! Order a second widget and all you have to pay is the shipping and handling”. The S&H, not surprisingly, usually turns out to be the same price as the first item.

   The handy-dandy item advertised is called, “The Wax-Vac”®. The thing is a miniature vacuum cleaner, shaped like a small electric drill and is supposed to suck the earwax, water and other gunk out of your ears.

   The commercial starts off with this guy in a bathroom sticking a cotton swab in his ear and he lets out a scream that rival those heard during the Spanish Inquisition. Either he has no depth perception or is into self-abuse, big time.

   Next scene has a doctor with all the emotional depth of broccoli. He says, “I do not recommend that my patients use cotton swabs”, which is, word for word, what the announcer said just before him. However, I have it from a reliable source that they edited out the best part.

   It seems our MD let his new found fame go to his head and ran down the hall ripping his clothes off screaming, “I recommend using a toilet brush!” He got out into the parking lot wearing only his stethoscope and a smile doing Daffy Duck jumps, complete with. “Woo Woos” from roof to roof of the assembled Beemers until he disappeared through the roof of a ragtop shouting, “Show me the money”. (Eat your heart out, Tom Cruise.)

   Then a mature woman in her bathrobe singing the praises and various others hyping the product to be followed by the ear-stabber from the first scene. This time he let out a howl that made his first one sound like a purr.

   This earsplitting shriek evidently got the attention of the CIA, because I am told they immediately had a water-board yard sale at their HQ in Langley, while truck loads of cotton swabs were quietly pulling into their back loading dock.

   As many of my readers have said that I don’t have two functioning grey-cells to rub together, I am concerned for their safety. The idea of sticking a mini-vacuum cleaner into my ear is a bit freighting. What if something went wrong and there was a power surge. Admittedly, odds are they would suck out the long dead cells, but what if it got the good ones. Would I have to buy all new hats considering my head would obviously have to shrink?

   Don’t forget this is a two-fer. That means I could put one in each ear I could suck out my brains in half the time. © 2012, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

December 7, 2012 at 4:42 p12

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