Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Curse of the Toilet Demons

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   Some people are creatures of habit. I am at the top of that list in which I have a daily routine. Unfortunately, many of these habits are not of my choosing. The habit starts early in the morning.

   Around 3:30 AM I usually get an urgent message from the engine room. This is not the best way to start the day. I stumble off to the bathroom and conduct a plumbing inspection. As anyone who is familiar with the mysteries that are plumbing knows this is the time of day when the toilet demons are lurking about moving the toilet bowl and ruining your aim.

   (Stealing a page from Dave Berry’s many books; “Toilet Demons” would be a good name for a rock band.)

   Then it is back to the rack and attempt to go back to sleep. But since I interrupted the cats by getting up it is their turn for pay back and we a play a game of ‘Stomp the Human’. This consists of the boys walking up and down my body ostensibly trying to find a comfy place to lie down. This lasts about ten minutes and by now I am wide awake.

   Since the ‘Stomp’ game has got my temper up I decide to continue my feline flying lesson. This week we are practicing emergency landing techniques. The bathroom hallway serves as the landing field. They usually taxi to a different hanger for the rest of the morning.

   By now it is around 4:00 AM and I try to get back to sleep. Fat chance! So I flip and flop around like a freshly boated tuna. This goes on until sunrise and as you can bet I am in a sweet mood when I finally drag myself into the shower.

   The routine is standard, get dressed, put out the flags, check the mail and on to breakfast. Every now and again I get things crossed up and it is put out the flags, check the mail, and on to breakfast then get dressed. This error is usually brought to my attention by the screams of my neighbors and screeching brakes of startled motorists.

   All I have to say is, “Thank goodness for coffee.”

   I work at home so there is not much of a commute. That is a plus to be sure, but there is a downside. The 3:30 first call has an effect. I will be typing away and the next thing I know I am playing a game of ‘Table Basketball’.

   This is when you suddenly fall asleep and bounce your face off the desktop. Going face first into a keyboard is rather painful and the words your nose types puts the spell checker into a tailspin.

   Then as the day goes on a small voice is heard saying, “Nap, Jim. How about a quick snooze?”  The voice gets louder and louder and the next thing I know I am pounding my ear and snoring away.

   I guess I’m not a ‘morning person’.© 2012, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

December 13, 2012 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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