Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ask Uncle Seamus again

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We are all pleased to see Uncle Seamus back at The Weekly Blister. He got three months off for good behavior, so he is back again writing his particular brand of advice.
Q. Dear Uncle Seamus; My son Muttsy, has spent eight years in high school. He has always been the brains in the family. We look forward to him to him entering his senior year soon. However, when he fills out unemployment forms should he check off the “16+” block in the “Education” section of the form? Thanks, Sixteen and Counting.
A. Dear SAC; Your letter reminds me of my own educational experience. In my time as a sophomore I spent three of the happiest years of my life. Regarding the education years; in reality the less said the better. If you put down the number of years in school as level of education the powers that be might actually expect Muttsy to get a job.
Q. Dear Uncle Seamus; No one is paying attention to me. I post things on Facebook, Twitter or any other website and no one reads, much less respond. You can forget about the social sites, not even Ms.Bigfoot will send me a note. When I make phone calls I’m always sent immediately to voice mail and the calls never are returned. Even when I wave to people I know on the street they never wave back. What can I do to get noticed? Thanks, Ignored By Everyone.
A. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Q. Dear Uncle Seamus; I have recently started to play the Stock Market. There are so many terms to learn and their jargon does not even sound like English. Can you please explain what exactly the ‘Dow Jones Average’ is? Thanks, Broke In My Back Ally
A. Dear BIMBA; I must admit that I am not too familiar with the stock market. I prefer to bet my money on the ponies, it pays better. However, as near as I can tell the DJA is based upon how many people mega-corporations fire times the obscene bonus’ the board members give themselves. I’m not impressed. So when you hear that the DJA is highest in five years just remember that Willie Nelson has been higher than the DJA since 1973.
Q. Dear Uncle Seamus; My next door neighbor’s dog, Barrack, is constantly coming over to my place and pooping on my lawn. What can I do to make him stop? Thanks, Poop Picker.
A. Dear PP; Don’t feel alone. Barrack is pooping in everyone’s yard. However, here is a tip that just might work. The next time Barrack is pinching a loaf tempt him over, grab him by the collar, shave ‘Kick Me’ on his back and drop him off at a cat lover’s convention. It may not get him to stop, but there will be a certain satisfaction in seeing him limp home. Additionally you can get a scoop and sling the doo doo back in your neighbor’s yard. See how much he likes it.© 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

January 24, 2013 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor

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