Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The Bible caught fire

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The inauguration of Harmony County Board Chairman Furpo McGurk was not without its moments. You will recall that the re-election turnout was not large as the first election. Only 134% of the registered voters turned out and the voting was slow since the ballots were printed in Spanish and not English.
The numbers of attendees at the swearing-in ceremony were also off. The sheriff pitched in by filling the empty seats on the podium. It was odd to see so many of former Harmony County politicians in the same place. Equally disconcerting was that were all dressed alike in black and white stripped shirts and pants and wearing the same jewelry connected to one another doing the ‘stockade shuffle’
We should have known that things were going to be less than perfect when McGurk put his hand on the Bible to take the oath of office and ‘the Good Book’ burst into flames. A replacement Bible could not be found so a copy of “Politics For Idiots” was substituted. For those not familiar with the work, Joe Biden wrote the preface and a box of crayons comes with the book.
The Inaugural Ball was held at ‘Bubba’s Flippin’ Dippin’ and Sippin’ Red Neck Bar’ with all the grace and charm of Harmony County in attendance. Though some detractors say the only reason so many were there was because of the open bar. The dancing was led off by Mr. and Mrs. McGurk.
It was a pleasant surprise that for a woman of her age Mrs. McG. could still pole dance. Of course, it was a rather stout pole, but still she made a few bucks. Mr. Chairman also displayed his terpsichorean skills with a passable imitation of Michael Jackson’s ‘Moon Walk’ from “Thriller”. That is up until he backed into the Ladies Room and was forced to make a hasty exit wearing a toilet seat for a collar, accompanied by shrieks and unladylike comments from those within.
All good things must come to an end and soon this soiree did, but in an unexpected manner. The local chapter of Biker Grannies pulled in and after a half-a-dozen or so freebie tequila shooters the inevitable occurred.
The deputies arrived. After two broken mirrors, seven bar stools reduced to kindling and the jukebox ending up in the parking lot, the grannies left in a roar of Harley smoke vowing to finish their lap-dances later. Not to worry, the deputies are expected to fully recover soon.
The newly re-elected chairman and his entire family, 71 staff weenies, three cooks, a barber and his personal caddie then departed on a chartered jet on a fact finding mission to study governmental efforts to reduce poverty.
The areas selected for study include; Honolulu, Acapulco, the Bahamas, Monaco, and Tahiti. The trip is expected to last six months and upon return from his exhaustive efforts McGurk et al are expected to vacation in Bar Harbor.
McGurk’s parting words while enplaning were, “Four more years. What did you people expect? Aloha!” © 2013, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

January 31, 2013 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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