Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

St. Valentine’s Day, a dangerous holiday

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Here we are observing another Saint Valentine’s Day. For those who are unfamiliar with the story behind the big ‘V’ he managed to tick off the Romans and for his efforts got tied to a tree and shot full of arrows. Not exactly romantic, but greeting card printers, candy makers and florists tend to gloss over that part.
As is my custom I make the following suggestions that will make this a happy and romantic holiday instead having to spend the month sleeping on the couch.
Guys, here are some Do’s and Don’ts.
Try to get as personal as possible. Articles of clothing are always nice. However, keep this in mind when you shop. First off, get the size right. Do some 007 work and sneak a peek at her clothing labels. When in doubt smaller is better.
Remember this when selecting the store where you are going to make a clothing purchase. Victoria’s Secret, good; L.L. Bean, bad.
Buy absolutely nothing that has a plug. That top of the line toaster oven is going to haunt you for decades. If you insist upon something mechanical it had better be an expensive sports car. If you choose an SUV be prepared to climb the nearest tree because she will likely try to run you down with it.
Under no circumstance buy anything that breathes, either above or below water. That cute little puppy of today has to be fed and cleaned up after tomorrow and the day after and the day after, ad nauseum. You can bet your bottom dollar that when Fido needs to be walked at 3 AM you will have the honors.
If you are thinking of art work be wary. You make think she likes, “Dogs Playing Poker” because she commented on your copy. But, she was just being polite and/or sarcastic. A photo of you leaning up against your pickup with your beer gut hanging out cannot be made attractive no matter how nice a frame.
A romantic vacation is nice. Places like Venice or Acapulco fit the bill nicely. However, a camping trip to your favorite fishing hole is definitely a deal breaker. When she comes back from the woods after answering nature’s call with a camping shovel in her hands she is going to use it on you next.
Do not try to camouflage something you want as a gift for her. Do you really think she wants a new chainsaw?
Look fellows, you have a fall back position. A dozen red roses, chocolate in a heart-shaped box and a card works every time. Make sure you include a card. Not a card with some broad with her spectacularly augmented hooters hanging out, but one with a heart on it and you writing the word “Love” in it. This is the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid) solution.
Gals, you have it easy. Buy him a six-pack and if you are feeling romantic put a red sticky bow on it. Be naked when you give it to him. © 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

February 14, 2013 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana, Humor

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