Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

It ain’t all test tubes and microscopes

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The Harmony County Institute of Technology and Sciency Stuff (HCITSS) held their annual ‘Open House’ recently. You know the place. It is where all the men are in desperate need of a shave and a haircut, and all the women are in desperate need of a boyfriend. They both have a tendency to wander around aimlessly, looking at the ground and mumbling to themselves.
It is not so much an ‘Open House’ as it is a ‘Beg-a-thon’ What is really happening is that the lab jacket set is trying to drum up money so they can continue doing goofy things in the lab instead of getting real jobs.
One of the many contributions to the world of knowledge was the determination of how liquor contributes to vision impairment. This study was completed after only ten years of research which resulted with four of the technicians doing a combined time of eighteen months in the drunk tank, one guy in rehab and the hiring of a second shift at the local brewery.
It was finally determined in the 864 rather rambling page report and an astronomical bar bill that shocked the HCITSS leadership into sobriety, that “If you drink too much you don’t see too good”. (They are scientists, not English scholars.)
Oddly enough the same conclusion has been reached nightly since the invention of the saloon in 7,506 B.C. when the next morning the reveler woke up, took one look at their bed partner and chewed their arm off in an attempt to silently escape.
Then there is the search for the Higgs Boson. As we all know the HB, “is a quantum excitation of one of the four components of the Higgs field, constituting a scalar field, with two neutral and two electrically charged components, and forms a complex doublet of the weak isospin SU(2) symmetry.” Like you didn’t know that all along.
Anyway, the scientific types have been looking for this thing for over 40 years. Forty years of milking this sacred cow and some jerks in Europe had to ruin a good thing and discovered it, losing their funding in the process. So after the celebration and high-fives were over came the cold, harsh, light of dawn and they figured out they had just thought their way to the unemployment office.
Well, some of out local book-worms were riding this gravy train too and are now scrambling to find another source of cash doing work of no particular importance outside of their own small circle.
So after putting their egg-heads together for days at a time they finally came up with a new project. In a word, “Klingons”. They were going to make contact with Klingons. Let the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) yard birds point their telescopes at the stars and hope for another 50 years. Our boys are going after big game.
So in the words of Worf from Star Trek, “lupDujHomwIj lubuy’moH gharghmey”
Obviously, these are the folks that give ‘mad scientists’ a bad name.© 2013, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

March 21, 2013 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Americana, Humor

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