Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

We’re all fracked

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The boys down at the Harmony County Weekly Blister were hanging around the water cooler, this time filled with Belfast Car Bombs, when ace reporter, Six-Pack Corrigan, burst in and yells, “You’re all fracked up!”
This exclamation caused a good deal of resentment since it was barely past 10 AM and there is no need to state the obvious. “Calm down Six-Pack, this is only our second round and who wouldn’t be working for this birdcage liner,” I said.
“No, you don’t understand! They are going to frack all over Harmony County”, Corrigan responded. “Chill out, will you. They have been fracking over Harmony County since the Yankees came through” said one of the sports guys from underneath his desk. I guess one of the Car Bombs detonated early for the sports desk hacks.
“Will you knot heads just shut the frack up and listen!” shouted Corrigan. “They are going to drill for oil in the County using hydraulic fracturing.” This announcement finally got a response from our editor.
“That is big fracking news” said the chief. “Okay Six-Pack, get your face out from underneath the water cooler spigot and cover the fracking story.” As anticipated there were some mixed reactions from the Harmony Countdiots.
The tree hugging contingent went postal the minute the story was printed. Quicker then you can say, ‘induced hydraulic disambiguation’ the organic everything set was in the streets, placards on high, screaming their pristine lungs out using words that are similar to fracking, only not heard in polite company. However, they did make for some interesting protest chants. Fortunately, the chants were ‘beeped out’ on the local TV news.
A group normally not associated with protestors since their favorite activity is the definition of ‘laid back’ also expressed concern. The local fisherpersons were concerned that they will soon be hauling in two-headed fish already with a light coat of oil.
Gas station owners were doing some slow walking and sad singing. They figure their gravy train is about to be derailed. However, there were some groups that were doing their most enthusiastic happy dances at the news.
The saloon keepers were joyfully raising their prices across the board and were removing their front doors in anticipation. The local brewery is in the process of hiring a second shift.
Haberdashers have started stocking up on cowboy hats, ala “Dallas”. They figure that everybody is going to want to look like J.R. which is odd since he has recently passed on to that great refinery in the sky and is probably not looking too good. But some activities have raised a few eyebrows and got some suspicious ‘hmmmmms’, along the lines of do they know something we don’t know?
Why are so many people in the know buying huge quantities of paper towels and barrels of dish soap? Why are all the water fowl hitching rides from trucks heading out of the County? And why are bags of sand being stacked up behind the County Admin building? © 2013 Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

April 18, 2013 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor

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