Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association


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As the old saying old saying goes, “Cleanliness is next to godliness”. Some how I can not quite imagine the Almighty wandering around heaven with a bottle of spray cleaner in one hand and a wad of paper towels in the other or taking out the trash, but there might be some truth to it.
I suppose what I am trying to say is I am a less than fastidious housekeeper. So now that Spring is here it is time for me to go through the annual ritual of ‘Spring Cleaning’. Unfortunately I am doing the Spring 2004 cleaning. I’m a little bit behind.
I have a stack of newspapers next to the couch. (Yes I still read newspapers. It is because I am prejudice and enjoy the tactile feeling of the paper in my hands. Also either Fast Eddie or Lazy Jake likes to sit in my lap. But they can only read the bottom half of the page. They see a lot of ads.)
When the paper stack reaches end-table height I figure it is time for my annual trip to the recycle center. The bad part is I feel sad to loose a piece of furniture I have grown accustomed to have around the house.
Moving on to the dining room there is nothing much to do there. A simple whirl around the room with a leaf blower usually suffices. This is followed by a coughing fit that lasts for only about an hour until the air clears.
The bedroom presents a different set of problems. Seeing how it is the Oval Office of the Kilkenny Cats there is a rather dense coating of hair on everything. This makes it easy to dress because everything, down to my skivvies, matches. However, after some extensive brushing where I usually end up with enough hair to knit another cat or two, I discover I am wearing an outfit that would embarrass a Broom Street pimp.
The office is like a trip through Wonderland. There are exciting discoveries around each corner. I find myself constantly exclaiming, “Oh, so that’s where that got to”, and “Why did I ever save that?” They say that an empty desk indicates an empty mind; well I must be a regular Einstein for all the piles of stuff on my desk.
If the office is Wonderland then for certain the kitchen is “The Little House of Horrors”. Some might think that an industrial strength pressure washer is out of place in the home, but these people have never been in my kitchen.
My fridge is the envy of many a wildlife biologist. There are many a yet to be classified life forms in there. The growling I can handle, but when they start to bite it is time for them to go. The stove is another story. I no longer need a timer to cook. The smoke alarm serves the same purpose.
So for me the old saying has to be modified to, “Cleanliness is next to nothing”.© 2013, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

April 25, 2013 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor

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